What it used to be like two months ago

Wrote October 6th,2010

  All together, the past two weeks have been pretty awesome. I didn't spend much time at home and it felt right. I haven't helped out in Grace Kids for two weekends now and I don't feel bad or feel like my faith has weaked.Its great. God has been pushing me in a different direction and I'm going with it. I have no idea where He's leading me but He knows the way. I had my life figured out for the most part and now I have no idea what I am doing tomorrow besides following Him. I'm loving it! I wanted to control my life and since I let go, its been amazing and I hear God more.

I've been spending a LOT of time babysitting, and I absolutely love it. It's defiantly helped my faith grow and its created many different relationships that I am so blessed to have. God is now fully in control and I never want to "drive" my life again. God speaks to me all the time and I'm sure He always did, I just didn't listen. With each new day, I feel more connected with God and more like myself.

For the past month people have been telling me that I'm a great role model and that I am wise. It is hard for me to accept a complement, which means I try to argue with who ever says it. God has a funny way of showing me what He thinks or wants me to do.

The "Mask"

When something happens and I just get to the point where I want to talk about it but really don't want to, I hide myself from the world. Who I truly am just gets locked up in a box and nothing bothers me.  Nothing can happen to make me truly anything, except happy.  I haven't really been myself for the last three weeks, unless I'm at church which I really haven't been. The reason I am myself at church is because everywhere else I go to be myself, I am rejected and pushed down. Even though I'm at church, I still try and hide who I am from God. Tonight (November 27th) was pretty much the first time in three weeks I saw a service in the main church. When we started singing the last song before everyone left, I almost cried. I stopped myself because I don't even know why. Its weird how so many people hide from God because they think they will be rejected. I know God will never reject me or ever leave me so why do I hide from Him?  What do I have to hide that He doesn't already know?

   Austen, last week called me out on my "mask". We were talking about something and I kept saying things were great and everything would be okay. He told me, "mask." and that was it. I was confused and Austen said, "you have your mask on." I was completely crushed because I didn't want to be wearing it. I just go to it when I'm lost and confused. Its the thing I turn to when I feel alone in this over filling world. So, if I just seem blah but keep trying to keep everything happy, let me know because I probably have my mask on.

   Before three weeks ago, when I was worshiping, I COULDN'T have my hands in my pockets. It just felt way too weird. Saturday, I noticed that once I heard that first note, my hands went right to my pockets. I started to remember other times when I worshiped since three weeks aog and most of the time I found my hands in my pockets. As if I was trying to hide something from God. The one with a loving plan that I can't run from, I was hiding from I know God knows what happened, because He is the first person I talked to after it happened. God was the one to know everything going on and everything that I felt. So how can I even try to hide it from Him?

   Sunday, I taught 5 year old's. I couldn't believe how much I missed the hyperness and just everything about it. I had 12 kids and my helper was 6th grade Rose. I felt kinda horrible because Rose was going to break out and thats the only time she goes to church. She can't go to youth group because she has swimming, so break out is the only time she gets "feed" through someone else. She is great with kids though, and I really wished we had more helpers but there wasn't any one else.  While, I tried to just be teaching, a question just kept exploding in my thoughts; What happened for me to start helping out in Grace Kids and why can't anyone else step up to the plate?
    
     Well, the 16th will be one year of my helping out in Grace Kids. It seem pretty crazy but I guess time really does fly when your having fun. I helped out with tech for the main room in Grace Kids, also know as, the big room. Payton, at the time was the only one doing it when I first signed up. After I turned in my paper, Alex started doing tech. I was really worried at first, I thought I was going to mess up or something. I learned how to do tech in five minutes and had to put to work what I learned right afterwards. The entire month of December was my month for Saturday night. It was pretty cool, most of the time afterward I would help out with the small groups. The small groups are elementary aged kids, there is Kindergarten through Second grade and Third through Fifth. I started helping out with the nursery about a month after I started helping out. I just got done with tech when Val came in and asked if I could help with the nursery. It was Saturday night so we had new born through three year old's. I think there were only four kids in there but one of them was 3/4 months old. After that, I was just put every where and anywhere I was needed.

     I have no clue why no one else steps up to the plate but I really can't complain. Sure, sometimes I just feel rundown and want to say no but its always rewarding; to know that you are teaching the next generation, or just helping in any way makes it very difficult to say no. There are so many different things to do besides teaching and most people don't realize that. I have to say that my favorite thing to do is Check-In and being a Greeter. The reason check-in is my favorite is because you get to meet the parents and just get to know them a little more. I know when I teach some parents just drop off their child(ren) and leave and when its time for them to go, its always seems really busy and chaotic. Being a Greeter is also my favorite because you get to meet more people and sometimes you start really great friendships with people you only see once a week.
   
    I know most people don't want to deal with other people or children but there is always a place for you, trust me. I don't think its too much to ask that you donate an hour of your time to help others learn about God, somethings don't even take an hour. I know that help could always be used and it is always accepted with thanks and gratefulness. I know many are busy but I know many others are busy doing things they can do later. I'm not forcing you to do anything and I'm defiantly not saying that if you don't help then your a horrible person because you're not. Just think about helping someone else learn about God, even if it goes unnoticed.

     One question for all of you, What is holding you back from a stronger walk with God?

   God Bless,
        CarissaGrace

Just a few Surprises with Questions

   ( A lot of this is me rambling on and on but it all makes sense in a way. Some people would call it, "girl talk" where no male ever understands it but it make complete sense to another female. Well, it might)  

   A question that I always like to apply to my life is: If someone was going to die tomorrow what would you tell them now? What are you waiting for?   This question(s) always comes to mind when I think something and want to tell someone and just don't. I should but I think I can tell them some other time or its just not important. Truth is its always important whether I think it is or not, and now is always the right time. I know I'm not the only person to do this though. To not say anything because its not the right time or not that important. So why do we wait? Why do we wait until its too late to say something when now is the perfect time?

       Around six/seven months ago, I was talking to one of my best friends over Facebook. At the time, it was the first time I ever talked to him and only seen him a few times at youth group. His name would be Austen. I was about to get off the computer when I had an IM pop up. All it said was "Hey," Of course  I replied saying hi or something like that. He told me I was his hero because I was a writer.  He wanted to be a writer but didn't think he could make it. We talked for the longest time, and after that we didn't speak for about three months. We became best friends I don't even know how long ago. We talk for hours almost every night on Facebook. About a month ago, we were talking and after he asked for some advice and I helped him with it, I asked him what he would tell me if I died tomorrow. The last time I asked that before was about a year ago and all I was told was that they loved me and they would miss me. I didn't expect much more than that from Austen, but of course, he surprised me.I asked it to get him thinking, to not push things aside for another moment. Austen wrote this paragraph of things that he would tell me, I wont repeat any of it right now because a lot of it was very emotional and defiantly need his permission first. I cried for what seemed like forever. It wasn't for sorrow though, it was of pure joy, and gratefulness to God. The conversation started about 10:00 PM on October 30th and lasted until 6:30 AM October 31st. I asked him that question about 5:15 AM. I am SO,SO,SO grateful for God's plan because I wold have never known that our conversation about writing, the first time we talked, would EVER lead us to where we are today. But our God, has everything planed out, we just have to follow it.
 
      I can say without any doubt or a second thought,that Austen is my boy best-est friend that I get to hug every time I see him. I know I have many best friends and we all share that same relationship but Austen is the one around my age that tries to be my therapist. He is the only one out of everyone that wont let me get away with saying, "I'm fine," or asking me if I want to talk about it is more of, " Lets go talk about it." Very few people can make me smile through/over the computer, let alone laugh. When ever I'm having a bad day or just need to smile and laugh, I am always grateful to log on and see a message from Austen pop up. When everyone is asking for my advice, I know God has a plan and I truly want to follow it. Before I ask anyone for advice, I pray.Before I ever follow some one's advice I pray.Before I ever give advice, I pray. So before you ask for my advice, pray to God because He's the one with the plan.

     Not very many people can surprise me, although I have found a few in my life that always are. I always try to surround myself with those people that I can be surprised by. Not surprised by, "You are going skydiving! In two hours, with me, its going to be a blast!!"  but by things they say and do. It may not be surprising to them but it to me. Like Nikki, we met through this Bible Study that Andrea was leading. I watched the kids while the Bible Study was going. One night, Nikki's sister came in looking for her and we talked for a few minutes before she left. The next week, Nikki and I started talking and I was really surprise when I found out who her sister was. She is one of my best-est friends, and I only get to see her once a week now. That's if we're lucky. I haven't seen her in two almost three weeks and I really truly miss her. I guess the people that I meet through what most people call "random chances" are they people that surprise me because we meet in a surprising way I guess.  Its not a random chance that I get to meet so many amazing people, its all part of God's plan. ( I guess since I started thinking, they are a lot more people who surprise me than I was thinking of )


    As I finish this random post, I am leaving you with some questions. Think about something you want to tell someone, why haven't you told them? What are you waiting for?  What is it going to take for you to start letting go and telling people what they mean to you?     Do you pray to God before you ask someone advice? Do you pray to God before you follow their advice to make sure that's what God wants you to do? Do you ever pray to God before you give advice?
       I know a lot can truly say yes to the last three questions but I know a lot more can not, so my final question is, Why don't you pray to God, the one that made you and has a loving plan for you, more when it comes to making a choice that will forever change your life?

 God Bless,
         CarissaGrace
PS- I have so many great friends and I'm truly grateful God put us in each others lives.  :D

Dare2Share the Change

This past weekend we had Dare 2 Share, which is an event that helps people share the word of God and knowing what to say and do when someone accepts Christ into their heart. Well there were 44 students from our youth group/ church that went, or I think so. This year was the Un. Tour. Its really amazing. If you are with God you are all these things that are "un" in the world but in God its so awesome. The Un.tour is featuring; Greg Stier, Zane Black, Propaganda, Dj Promote, Shane + Shane, and Clear Vision. These guys are so awesome. If you have the chance to go, take it!
The worship was amazing and the speakers were great. The dramas were very "uncool"(which means there were very cool) and Friday nights drama touched a lot of people. I can say that I got a lot from D2S but really I received so much more than I could ever explain. I made new friends, created better relationship with friends I already have and just was real. It was so amazing and God defiantly helped me with some stuff and helped me realized why I can/could accept forgiveness.

God had a huge plan for this event and boy did it happen. Yesterday after noon, we had gotten back from Denver. Since this whole weekend was about God and sharing His word, while we were there we had been asked to write three friend names on our hand. Those names had to be non-believers, and people that you were going to share with. They gave us a chance to call and/or text those people. I tried calling my three but they didn't answer. On our six hour drive back home, all these random people popped into my thoughts and I added them to my hand. Last night, I was IMing two believers and one non-believer at the same time. My friend Nikki and I were talking about our thoughts of marriage and my friend Austen and I were kinda talking about everything and then I help his friend with Austen's help. I was also talking to a non-believer who I was kinda close with last year before I found Christ. Well, the conversation led to D2S, which I was hoping for, and I told him the G.O.S.P.E.L.  The G.O.S.P.E.L:
 God created us to be with Him.
 Our sins separate us from God.
 Sins cannot be removed by good deeds
 Paying the price for sin Jesus died and rose again
 Everyone who trusts in Him alone has eternal life
 Life with Jesus starts now and lasts forever

After I asked if it all made sense I asked if there was anything holding him back from putting his faith in Jesus now. He said he respected people and their faith but it wasn't for him. He logged off after that. I think that I was crushed because I would love to spend eternity with him in Heaven. He's such an awesome person and just really fun to hang out with.
   Later on that night, I was talking to other non-believers and started up conversations that would lead to D2S or God and it was pretty awesome that they listened. Even if they pushed me away after finding out that I was a follow of Christ. I'm cool because they still talk to me even though I bring up God and they back off the conversation a little at a time.

There were so many conversations that saved people. I heard SO many great stories and so many not so great stories. Like we are told though; We teach, they believe, and God saves. We cannot believe for them, and we cannot save them. No its not always that easy to share with other people but it still is what we are told to do.
     Give thanks to the Lord, call on his name; make known among the nations what he has done.

1 Chronicles 16:8
So we are called to share the word of God even if its difficult. No matter what happens know that everyone has the right to know God and spend eternity with. It doesn't matter what they have done.
Here are a few pictures from D2S ( I will post more as I upload them to my computer):

A really cool painting that one of Propaganda's friends. He did it on stage while Propaganda spoke. It was awesome!

This is all of us, well all accept three, four people. And of course the people hiding in this picture. Our silly picture :D My friend Michaelann's photo. I didn't take the picture or give my camera to some one to.
  God bless,
       CarissaGrace

Knowing such blessings

      Last Wednesday night, I logged on to Facebook to see that I had two messages and five notifications. One of the messages was from Andrea, my youth ministers wife, asking if I could babysit the next day for an hour an half. Truth is, I wasn't ready to start babysitting again but I felt like I should say yes. So the next day I was really nervous and afraid. I was almost to the point where I was tapping my ring. When I tap my ring its because I am either really worried or just really nervous and don't know what to do. I first saw Ky-ky (their middle son, 5yrs old) and then Creidey(their youngest son,3yrs old), who said " Carissa!" in his cute way. I also watch Cale, their oldest son 11yrs old. As I walked with them over to GraceKids, I thought I was going to throw up. I knew I couldn't do it alone and asked God for help. After we were inside, we just played. I was having such an amazing time. I felt so happy and joyful, and knew that God wanted me to be there, with them. After about ten minutes Jason, my youth minister, brought over Kearyn (their daughter, almost 6 months old) and asked if I could watch her too. I wasn't about to say no because I knew that I didn't have to be fearful or anything else because God was with me. I played with the boys while Kearyn was rolling all over her blanket, she got fussy so I held her. Then Ky-ky wanted to hold her and Creidey too. I was just so grateful to be able to be in their lives. To be able to learn from them. After a while of playing, Cale put on Blue's Clues. They all sat down to watch it. Kearyn started crying again and stopped after I picked her up. I sat down so I could pick up a little. As I sat their holding her, I realized I needed to forgive myself. That I didn't have a real reason not to. She started to fall asleep, and I just wanted to cry. Not tears of sorrow, nor anger but of joy. To know why God forgave me, to know why He still did great things in my life. As my mind raced, she started crying. I tried to calm her down but she was hunger and everyone knew it. I ask Cale to watch Ky-ky as I took Kearyn to their parents. I was going to take Creidey with me, that way it was only one brother he had. Right as we were walking out the door, Andrea and Jason happened to be coming to get the children. God's way is always so perfect and everything He does is always right on time. He's always protecting us or trying to even before we realize it. I'm truly grateful to be in their lives, they are such amazing blessings and I can't say how many times God has used them to help me. I am so grateful that I said yes even though I wasn't ready to. I can truly say I am ready to babysit with out a second thought because God will be there through everything.  Love you all,
   God bless,
              CarissaGrace

November 5th, 2010

Wrote November  5th 2010.

Most people think I have it all together. Mainly people who come to me for advice.  I honestly have nothing together. The only thing I truly know is that God is real and Jesus saves.

        When people come to me for  Godly advice, I don't have any clue why. I have don't know every much about the Bible, I don't know a lot of scripture, and really, I'm learning what living with God looks like.  The other day a friend asked what should she do about her feeling for this guy. He's not a Christian but she really likes him. She wanted to know what I thought and scripture to stand on. I didn't know any scripture to stand on but I told her Psalms 119:9 might help.  I was the only one with a Bible at coffee. She grabbed my Bible and read it. Since my Bible is a King James Version, I had to translate.

Truth is, I am going through just as much as everyone else but always find a way to help everyone around me. Some people go through SOOO much more and yet still find a way to help everyone else, and then themselves.

November 6th, 2010

Was in drafts thought I would post wrote November 6th,2010 

People are always surprising me. After a while you would think that you would get used to people asking for advice, or saying things about you that you know is true you just don't know why, or even people saying things about you to make sure you are loved. I haven't and probly never will get used to any of these. For many reasons.

Why I haven't/wont get used to people asking for my advice:
     1.) Most of the time it feels like I can't make it through the stuff I'm going through let alone help someone else, that sometimes I haven't even been through that kind of stuff.

    2.)  I can't always explain my reasons for some of the advice I give you.

    3.) When I'm asked for scripture, a lot of the time I don't know anything that could help them. Unless I read something about it a few nights ago or something. I have a lot of book marks and what not to remember stuff that I felt I needed to know but didn't need to highlite it for myself.

   4.) I don't see any reason why people should listen to me, or want my advice on things.

   5.) No, I wont tell anyone about the stuff we talk about but I still don't see why I'm seen as trustworthly.
  
  6.) A lot of the time, I'm just as confused about what to do, except to pray.


Why I can't ever get used to people telling me stuff that is true but I have no idea why:
  
  1.)  Some things lead me to

Will I ever be able to?

http://authspot.com/poetry/will-i-ever-be-able-to/    A poem, not the greatest one ever but its how I feel. Not completely but that okay for now.

I had a mistake and fell WAY,WAY short of the glory of God. I don’t know if I will ever be able to babysit kids or anything else. I can if the parents know and say I can. I want to watch these kids but I’m almost sure I wont ever be asked to watch them again. Oh well, it doesn’t matter but at the same time it does. I wont be hurt if I’m told no but I would just like to know.

I feel so much pain,
my heart couldn’t be trained
I just want to listen to the rain

The snow is here
I cry a tear
The voices start to appear

Everyone asks why I didn’t call
Thats when I feel so very small
When all I want to do is tell the wall

I can’t ever be perfect
I don’t want to dwell in the subject
I just can’t be the object

I just want to drop it
You all know I admit
I almost want to quit

Yes I made a mistake
And my heart does nothing more than break
I know I can’t unmake

No its not okay
I have spent many hours with God to pray
So please don’t push me away

God is so unfair
Jesus died for my sins, I’m aware
But why do I have the right to be an heir?

I can’t do anything but cry
Because I failed and gave it a try
and yet Jesus still forgives me, why?

I don’t understand anymore
You were and are all I adore
And yet I almost shut the door

I’m afraid
For I strayed
and Your love did not fade

I feel like I need to explain
For the thing I did that was insane
For all lost, could it ever be regained

Thats my fear
To never hold the things that were dear
The things that I gained this year

I know that I fall
And this time it wont ever be something small
But I know I can’t ever build up my stonewall

I think I can predict
that everyone will be very strict
So please just tell me the verdict?

I can understand if you don’t want me to watch your kids
I can understand if you never want me around
but please never hate me??

Triond.

For the next few weeks I am just going to publish stuff on Triond- a writing site. I will post the links as a blog after I publish something.

Somethings Missing

       I try to spend all of my time with Christ-centered people. For the most part I can but at the end of the day, I still have to go home to my family that isn't Christ-centered. For a month or so I felt like something was missing like I needed something I just didn't know what. A week ago I found out what it was and now that I know what its like I'm craving it. What it is, well, a Christ-centered family. I get to be a part of it once a week or so but it just doesn't feel like enough. It almost hurts not to be able to be a part of that every day, to know when I wake up in the morning, its okay to talk about God. I think that's the hardest part about what I'm going through.

     Its so funny how I can feel completely like myself and be able to talk about God without being yelled at, or being told that I'm part of a cult when I'm around almost every family but mine. I can be open and talk with those people and when I'm around my family, I am so shy and not myself. I am happy when I'm around those up lifting people. Even when it seems nothing is okay or ever will be, I can smile and laugh with out having to pretend. Everything is truly better. So when I get the chance to be with Godly people, I take it. I get to be myself without leaving anything out, I truly get to be me, CarissaGrace.

   Sometimes I feel like I was placed in the wrong place at the right time. Since, God has everything planned, I was place in the perfect place at the perfect time. Its hard to believe sometimes, but God is always using something from my past to help someone else or just to help me know Him better. When I was little, I hated God and wanted nothing to do with Him but I remember once, asking God to take my life, so that everything would be better. God never did, I hated Him even more for that, I would ask Him why and that would be it. Now I thank God for not taking my life, because I didn't know God and I love Him more than anything. It would have been such a waste if I would have just thrown my life away, like some of my old friends. God truly does make everything good. I know that because He's made everything in my life that was bad, great. I couldn't live with out knowing Him now.

    I can be having a horrible day and God always to find a way to make sure I know He loves me. Most of the time its through other Christians, who make me smile,laugh, and feel almost better. I can be listening to an amazing worship song and break down crying because God is talking to me through the song. God just has this way about Him, that when you need Him there, God shows himself to you. Every way is different for everyone. Yet God still finds the best way for us to know He's there, even if we don't think its the best way.  I couldn't ask for a better God who loves me more than anyone else can!

   I have so much more to say, I will post a different blog when I'm not thinking about every thing.
 May blessing be to you and may you see God every where you look!~~ CarissaGrace

Nothing really, but something.

  I have been thinking about what I was going to write for a few days now.  Nothing seemed right though, nothing seemed me.

    I can't say why people come to me for advice, I really don't understand why they come to me for Godly advice. I don't know much about the Bible, I don't know a lot of scripture, and I mess up a lot.  I do know God though, I guess that what matters. I've been thinking about a lot of things lately. Everything that was going through my mind brought me back to the first night I truly found God. It was June 6th,2009. A Saturday, I was standing next to my boyfriend, holding his hand, singing a worship song. It was the first time I went to Grace, and this weird feeling came over me and I felt at peace. I can't explain the feeling that it was and now I know it was God but I thought I was losing it. I went to church after that but I was only going to do what I wanted to do. Later on in November or December, a friend of mine got into a horrible car accident. It was his fault, he was drunk driving going about 70 MPH and hit a semi. His truck was was in pieces that you could hold in your hands.  He was in ICU and everyone said he wouldn't make it through the night. For the first time, I sat down and prayed a loud. I asked God to take care of him, to let him know that we all loved him. I prayed what seemed like forever, and the next day my friend walked out of the hospital and went home. After that I started going to youth group. I truly  found God and was baptized. Ever since then I've just been trying to live a life with God and I really think I am.

     No, I'm not a perfect person, nor will I ever be. I still need to learn about God and go to Him when I'm in need of help. That wont ever change. I go to God even when I'm not in need of help, after all His son did die so that I could be saved. Some people ask how can I believe in something that I can't see. My answer, I can see what God does. After all, I'm still breathing.

Blessing be to you and may you see God every where you look. ~~ CarissaGrace
   If you want to know why I believe in God or how I can, just ask.

Like being "Adopted"

    I really dont know if my writing is good or not but here it is.

My week so far...

   Started out really horrible because I just felt like my emotions were out of control.
Wednesday, not what I wanted it to be but it was great to have coffee with a friend/ "brother"
Thursday was very emotionally but God had it all planed out. Instead of finding Him like I normally would ( through prayer, one song of worship, and reading my Bible) I found Him in helping Kody (sort of), just a few songs of worship, and holding Kearyn ( kind of). Talking to Andrea didn't get very far because the concert started.Friday, spent the night at Georgia's house ( I babysit for that family. Besides that, I look up to her and Andrea. They are just so themselves but themselves in God!) Friday night, couldn't sleep for anything. Still don't know why but it was funny. Saturday morning, Naomi (2 years old) and Georgia went down stairs, then Sarah (4 years old) and I  follow a few minutes after. Georgia made amazing waffles while I played with the girls.
         
       We went to Grand Junction ( about a hour an half away), and for the first time, I went to Hobby Lobby. Then we went to support for her friend, who sells purses.I was watching the girls for like four maybe five minutes while we were in Hobby Lobby. Well the girls sat on the bottom of the cart because the didn't want to walk but they didn't want in the cart. So as I'm trying to push it, I stop because Naomi's legs are about to be ran over. I tell the girls to stand up and Naomi trys but Sarah wont let her. The older lady comes over and says, " Oh, It looks like your mommy wants you up." Says she wished she had her camera because it was just so cute. All I was thinking was, " Do I look old enough to have a four year old!?!? Or even TWO kids?!? Really?!? You seem nice and all but I am SOOOO not their mom!!!!!"  I was just so dumbfounded. Of course (just to prove a point) I threw in as I picked up Naomi, " Your mommy will be back in a minute." As the older lady started walking off. 
          
       When we were at Hobby Lobby, Naomi wanted to come with me to look at beds, so as we were walking she kept falling on her knees because she knew I would pick her back up. Well, after the sixth or seventh time I just picked her up and started carrying her. I started tickling her and she was just laughing so hard, I was afraid she stopped breathing. Later on at Hobby Lobby, I was carrying Sarah because she wouldn't let me put her down and Naomi wanted me to carry her too. I  really couldn't pick up Naomi, so Georgia picked her up- But then she gave her to me. I had Naomi on one side, Sarah on the other and they were just giggling. I was a little worried that I might drop one of them but I didn't. After five minutes or so of holding both of them my arms started cramping. I tried to put Sarah down but she didn't find it fair that I was carrying Naomi. I put them both down and held their hands instead.  So much easier that way.On the way back home, everyone sitting in the back seats fell asleep. Which means; Naomi, Sarah and I fell asleep.  I didn't fall asleep for very long, I don't think but it was still sleep.


          We had dinner before church Saturday night, Georgia ordered a personal kid cheese pizza for the girls, a personal chicken something pizza for herself, and I (of course), being me ordered a basic green salad. After their pizzas came, we realized they messed up the order, two chicken somethings instead of  one being a cheese pizza. When "my" salad came, Sarah took a slice of cucumber. I was great with that because, I'm used to kids eating off my plate. The girls got a piece of pizza but Naomi didn't want it and Sarah ate what was given to her happily. Naomi came over and sat on my lap, taking over "my" salad with Sarah right next to her. I was laughing SO hard because they wanted the salad over the pizza. Naomi, wasn't even using a fork and Sarah was leaning over me to get to the salad.  It was a really fun dinner!

  The funniest joke I have yet to hear from Pastor Karl was told Saturday night, " People who say Shoot and Darn go to Heck!" I busted up laughing feeling like a complete dork but I wasn't alone.Sunday, Georgia being completely awesome like she is, took me to church and then picked me back up after both services were over. But during that time I was teaching the new stuff for GraceKids which was pretty cool.After Georgia and the girls picked me up from church, we went to the Hot Springs and hung out. It was awesome. Sarah just wanted to swim and swim but couldn't. So she just kicked and I "drove" us around every where. Naomi wanted to play but was scared kind of scared too.


        Every night I was supposed to go home, I ended up staying another night. The girls agreed that I should just move in. Sarah was SO mad when I said I had to go home this morning after we woke up! She started crying saying she didn't want me to go. I said I had to go back so I could get my clothes but I would see her later.This morning before Georgia dropped me off, we took the kids to school. Luke gave his mom a kiss and left. Sarah kissed Naomi and came toward Georgia and myself. I though she was going to go her mom but nope, she gave me a big hug and left. I was awestruck because I just was.
         When I went back to their house to help Georgia with somethings, Naomi saw me after a minute or two of me being there. She was up stairs and Georgia hadn't seen me yet, the first thing she said (more like screamed) " Carissa is home!!!"  It was the cutest thing. I just kept laughing because afterward when she couldn't find me she would ask, " where's Carissa momma? Momma where's Carissa?" Until she knew where I was. Or she would follow me around because she didn't want to lose track of me. Have to love kids and what they say.   After, they got out of school today, we picked them up and went to Georgia's office for about five minutes. Then to drop me off, Sarah did not want me to go. I felt SO bad because , sure, I would have loved to stay and play with them but I couldn't get in trouble. Sometimes I feel like I was placed some where I wasn't supposed to be. God is in control though and that's all I really know anymore.



            When I came home and stayed home, is when things became not so great. Hate hunting and I'm going to hate it even more because of Alex. I don't hate Alex at all but it just doesn't make sense. Alex and his dad came over earlier tonight and I saw TOO many changes. He used to love going to church and he didn't cuss all that much and all. Sometimes I thought Alex was farther in his walk than I was in mine. After we broke up though he stopped going to church and I didn't care if he hated me or not, as long as I wasn't the reason for his faith to weaken. I carried that guilt for a few weeks but I realized, if Alex's walk was as strong as he said it was, it would still be just as strong. While Alex and his dad were visiting, I stayed away from ALL the drama. After they left my dad asked if I could have been any ruder, my reply," Yes, yes, I could have." Being the person that he is asked if he cheated on me. No that's not what happened. There is just SOOOO much unneeded drama here. Most of it because of my faith, which isn't going to go away.

God just has a way of working and its always great :)
  Many blessings be to you and may you see God every where you look. ~~ CarissaGrace

Truth is...

   I feel like I'm failing. I'm trying my hardest to be strong and keep everything together and yet I see myself only getting weaker. The enemy knows what breaks me and how to weaken my faith. I'm trying to stand and the only thing I can hold on to is God. Being strong was how I was expected to live and then I was shown the Path of God and was told that through my weakness, God's strength will shine. I know that's the truth, because I see it everyday since I started to open my eyes to the things unseen.

  I've been told not to question God and all He does. I try not to, I know He makes all things good. I know His one and only son died on the cross for my sins, and I know He made me who I am today. God is great and the only question I want to know is why He's had so much grace on my life. Not really in my life because He's saved my life more than once and has blessed me. I don't understand, why was I important enough to save more than three times and why one of them wasn't even saved? Why do you seem to need me? What do I have to offer your Kingdom?

There are many things some people don't know about me and so many more people that really don't know anything about me. So, instead of just writing ten different paragraphs that I'm sure you don't want/ have the time to read and I just can't write so I'll make a list.
      Ten Truths:
1.)  It took me 13 years to find God, 14 1/2 years to get to know Him and 15 years to completely put my life in His hands.

2.) All I want to do is scream but I can't. Every time I try to, my voice leaves me and I'm left standing with nothing but tears.

3.) Music is what I get lost in. One song can say everything I have to say and I just tell God, " Yup, God this is it."

4.) The song I listen to when I know my faith is weak is Walk Away (maybe)- Good Charlotte. I just feel that that song brings me back to God, every time.

5.) I don't even know why I write any more, it just seems to be a waste. Yet, I still do it...

6.) Why I HATE money goes back to when I first started babysitting and it never seems to fail that my family keeps my hate of money growing stronger.

7.) When I'm told something that brings tears to my eyes, its always hard for me to reply. Even harder when its not in person because I have time to think about what was said.

8.) Its extremely hard for me to look at someone when I'm crying. Before I started going to The Grove, I could tell you how many people I cried in front of and what their full names were. Now I've cried in front of many, many people and I'm sure a great deal more to come. Most of them, I don't even know their first names.

9.) God has been telling me to open up more. I have which is kinda hard, because I used to be the person who kept everything to myself and sometimes still am.

10.) Its hard for me to tell anyone whats wrong or something about me. Even with people I trust and love, unless I feel compelled to tell you something, I most likely wont.

The truth is, I'm just a teenage girl that is lost at the moment. That's already learned that; He is my world, I love Him more than I love anyone else, He will never let me go, His love is the greatest love of all, He will love me forever, I'm accepted by Him, He will always be by my side, I will worship Him, I believe in Him, He will let the perfect man cut in, He will always protect me, He knows best and will always do great. He is God and I know He lives!
   Blessing be to you and may you see God every where you look~~ CarissaGrace

With out God

(Wrote August 22nd, 2010.)
 Today, I learned that the older you grow with out Christ, how much tighter the enemy has a hold of you. As a teenager, I hear everything from cussing to jokes that aren't at all funny just inappropriate and wrong and everything in between. I hear most of it from teens around me.But as I spent time with my family and their friends I noticed that they were worse than most teenage groups. I was completely blown away as I walked by them and heard part of their conversations. I had no idea how much worse it got. The only time I heard about the goodness of God was when a couple, I don't know who they were besides old family friends, talked about how the first met and how it was God who brought them together and how they were at church. My sister told them I was working because I helped out at church before I got there. Once asked where I worked and said I only help out at my church, no other questions were asked. I will never understand how people can walk away from God after knowing Him, I know I never can.
     CarissaGrace

I am CarissaGrace and forever will be.

(Wrote August 20th, 2010. I posted "Accepting my Challenge" instead)

The name CarissaGrace first started about eight months ago. I didn't have a pen name and Carissa is my first name and I chose Grace because God has put so much in my life.There reason there is no space between the two is because at first it looked like my real name, but now there is no space because you should never put a space between you and God. As I started using that name on everything, I started feeling like God was being more and more a part of my life. In fact he was, I was going to youth group and life seemed to be looking up again. It was great and I stopped thinking about everything bad that was in hidden in my past.One of them being the fact my mother had left the year before for drugs and I was living with my alcoholic father who I didn't get along with. My life had purpose and meaning, I had something to look forward to everyday. I went to church every weekend and every Thursday. On the weekends, I would attend all three services because I volunteered for two and watched one. The church I go to has three services; one Saturday night and two Sunday morning.They all have the same sermon just more choices of times to watch it at.As my walk on the path of God became more of a run, I saw one relationship that was holding me back and it was one I never thought I would lose, my boyfriend. As the weeks past, I grew into a deep thought of wonder of what I wanted. I felt more and more pain with each passing day and before I knew it, a month had past and I was crying at least once a day.Then one Wednesday, I was going to middle school youth group and it was over relationships, mainly Christ centered ones. Before we got started though, Marina (one of my Christ moms) and I were talking about what I should do and she said I should talk to  my youth minister about it and I said no. His wife overheard and said," You should try dating Jesus." I'll never forget that. After that girls and boys split up and heard different things.But what made me realize what I had to do was that a mother was arguing with a couple of people there and to share my story about being in a non-Christ relationship and how I felt. I don't know if it changed a life and I don't know if it was helpful but I do know that it made my walk with Christ so much stronger.This is where mt pen name became who I was. I was baptized two months later and found myself so much happier. I don't ever wonder what my life would be if I didn't have Christ because I am more than happy with the life I'm being lead in and I will never regret making that choice of saying yes to temptation or running in the path of God, where sometimes I trip but my church family helps me back up no matter how hard the fall or how long it was.

   Blessing be to you and may you see God everywhere you look, CarissaGrace

                 

September 5th,2010

(Wrote this September 5th, 2010)

I'm the type of person that over thinks every thing, even when I know its in God's hands. This week I've been thinking about everything; my relationships,my faith, my actions, and since this morning, my legacy. Since my life took a complete change three weeks ago I've been struggling with my faith. I have grown stronger in Christ but I still feel like I'm falling. That I'm failing God, because even though I'm trying to make the best of everything, my walk seems slower and I'm craving God more and getting less chance to learn about him with others. So with my faith I know its growing because of what I've been thinking about this past week.
     Relationships:
With my past relationships I've realized how they have changed. Last year, I was the average teen. I cussed ALL the time, I was depressed and I was living in the way of the world. I had a boyfriend who I couldn't carry a conversation with, my best friends were trash mouth pot heads, and my best best friend was my ex-boyfriend who is now my current one.Now, I hang out with people who encourage my faith, help my walk, and all but one is Christ centered.(the one thats not is my fathers and my relationship but I am praying that it will be) I went to myspace to see how much I really have changed and I was shocked. It was all about my ex-boyfriend and how God wasn't real. My top friends were people that don't like who I've become. I also looked at some peoples profiles that I know have changed. I came to the conclusion that I'm really, truly happy with the choice I've made. I've always been happy with it but to really see the difference makes it easier to know that this is the right choice even if its hard.

Short and maybe sweet

I haven't blogged in two weeks or so and I really think my best posts are the short ones and the forever long ones. So this is the short and sweet version of my life right now.

I gave complete control over to God and since I've stopped "driving" my life, its been more than amazing.  I spend less time at home and more time with people who help my faith grow. I've been babysitting a LOT and God has really open my eyes through children. I further understand why Jesus said we have to become children. Since I've given up control, my life has changed so much and I never want control over it again. I hear God more, and its absolutely amazing. I've realized, I don't need to serve twice a weekend in order to feel like I'm doing right. Accepting what others thought and think about me is pretty hard some times and yet I'm learning to accept it. My prayers have changed, and I pray for different things, one of them is what God wants me to do. I thought I was going to become a doctor, God has me following a different path and I'm running on it. I go into deep thought more and more, plus I'm pretty sure I know who God wants me to follow. I'm more comfortable about sharing God and when God lays something on my heart, I take action. I see God more and take time to learn more. Whether I'm a great role-model or not, I'm still an apostle which means I'm going to do my best to follow Christ. If you've ever called me wise and I disagreed, God showed me that I was. If you haven't talked to someone for a while, ask them how their day went, maybe they will find Christ, or deep their relationship. I know one girl who wants to seek God and read her Bible because we talked. Here's a poem I wrote last night, it explains a lot more than this does :)

When I hear a child laugh
I can’t help but smile
Because they are the perfect role-models

Hearts so pure
Always forgiving
and never full of hate

Helping each other
not caring for appearance
or really anything for that matter

Truthful tongues
unlike any other
not caring what others think

Having a mind of their own

Not always knowing what to do
Asking for help when they know they can’t do it alone

Always trying to find fun
believing when not seeing
and seeking for what they believe

Asking questions when wondering
Taking in every answer
Learning from each one

We may teach them right from wrong
But they teach us how to have fun
And what to long

Teach a child right
Let them take flight
Watch them find all their might

We should become children once again
Following our hearts
Wanting to become firemen

Becoming a child
Not so simple
Forgetting all about logic

Spend more time with children
Your heart will become pure
You will fall in love with the simple things in life

Take time to learn
To feel
to become a child at heart

Smiling,laughing, crying
Loving,caring, helping
Believing, knowing, seeking
and Learning

These are the things we need to learn
Learn from a child and put into action
If we did the world would be a better place for all
         ~~CarissaGrace


Read more: http://authspot.com/poetry/learning-from-a-child/#ixzz12DBEjyzi

Learning to Become a Child Climbing to Heaven

I love watching people. To see what they do and how the acted. The sound of their voices and the way it changes. To see them laughing one minute, tears the next and then a smile again. How they treat other people and one action changes how they act towards them. I love watching people and learning who they truly are and what they want others to think.

 I was once told that I was sorely over looked and that it gave me the chance to watch. At the time, I had tears in my eyes and thought that I wanted to watch because its easier than feeling the pain when they left. I now watch people because I enjoy getting to know who they truly are after I know what they want me to think they are. Now when I watch people I'm part of it but other times I'm just sitting around waiting to see what happens. Example: Tuesday, I was watching my youth minister's kids and two other little kids because their mom was in a bible study. Ky is four, Creide is three and this little girl Joss is two maybe three and then Trip who is 1 1/2. As we were playing with the blocks Trip come over and knocks it down, Creide was not very happy and said, "Hey! Don't knock down my tower, can't knock down my tower." Joss, who was standing next to me, replies," You you you can't talk to to my my brother like that." I smile and say to Creide, " Can you ask him nicely if he wont knock down your tower until you say its okay?" Creide," Please don't knock down my tower." After we built another "tower" Trip knocks it over. Creide," Don't knock down our tower until we say so!" Joss," You have to say it nicely to my brother."

Children are perfect examples of how we should be. We have to be willing to share and stand up for what we believe in no matter what we are risking. I understand in many countries you can't stand up for many things without risking everything, even your lively hood. But as I watch children be, I see who they truly are and love knowing that I am a positive influence in their life. When a four-year-old invites you to his house for dinner because he enjoys your company, you just can't say no because you know your doing something right. I further understand what Jesus meant when he said that we all must become children to enter heaven.

My boyfriend and I just recently broke up, and I realized who he was within the last week before it happened. He say he's Christian and all but with some of the things he "Likes" on facebook I would have to disagree with some of his choices but they are his and he has that right. It not just him that I've noticed saying they are something they aren't. Many people are seeming to appear like that. I'm more worried that I am seeing the speck in my neighbours eye instead of the log in mine. From what people have been telling me lately though, maybe I'm not all that bad. Yes, I have a few problems that I need to work on, but don't we all?  I just don't want to be the person who is a hypo cite and doesn't know it.

My choice of living with Jesus doesn't just effect me and I really didn't realize that till this past Sunday when Georgia said something about. I am so happy for the life I'm leading and sometimes I don't realized what God does through me. A friend and I were watching three kids, and after they were asleep we started dishes. While doing dishes, we did what most people do, we started a conversation that had God in the middle of it. She told me a few things about herself that I would never have guessed, but I knew how she felt. Most people don't know this about me, but I cut for a year an a half. I started cutting in the 7th grade and ended in 8th grade, I cut my wrist once but never again. I always cut my legs and no one ever  questioned them, which I find odd now because I always wore shorts. But as I shared this story, I looked at her face and knew that she most likely never would because I was an example that it was never good. Only God can build you after he breaks you down. Cutting is a form of breaking down,, but you never get built up again. How much God has blessed my life, and I truly know Christ still lives!

God has an amazing plan, and He always finds away to put you on the right path, when you feel lost. This past Sunday, I had a conversation with a friend. Never have I thought of her like that until this past Sunday. I was supposed to watch her children until Sunday afternoon but I called them home early. They got back home at 12:49AM and we were all up by 8AM. The night before though, I had a conversation with the other babysitter. I didn't realize that a six year old with a photographic memory was awake listening to what I was saying. He asked me about a few of the things I said and I kind of avoided the question as best as I could. I thought I should tell his parents before, it came up one day with out me telling them. I would have told them anyways but didn't know when to tell them. It was like God wanted me to tell them, I did. I started getting teary eyed in the middle of it but they gave me great advice. I've been struggling with my faith a little bit lately and when I talked with them Sunday, God spoke through them. The problem that was causing my faith to shake, was answered. God showed me what I had to do and told me that everything would be okay. Since I found God, I've never felt alone. Feeling like you're all alone in this crowed world is the worst feeling possible because that's when the enemy strikes.

For the past week, I've been thinking what the path of God looks like. Not just a spiritual path but as if I were hiking it what would it look like. Last Sunday, when Pastor Karl gave his message, it really opened my eyes. He said something about hiking to heaven and something just clicked for me. He also said that he wanted to help us on this path and wanted to push us forward, I think. As I thought about what he said, my image of this path came to mind. When you first find Christ, you are barefoot walking with Him on the beach. When you first put your faith in Him, He starts carrying you. When you accept Christ into your heart, you come to a hill leading to a mountain. As you take the first step in making your faith grow, Christ sets you down and holds your hand. This is where you see others walking and hiking toward Heaven. When you slip in your faith, you've slipped on the path and fell on your face, letting go of Jesus's hand. As others help you up, Jesus heals your wounds and reaches for you. Your walk becomes stronger, when you reach for him and tell Him your mistakes. When you put all your trust in Jesus, He and His father lifts you up to the next ridge. While walking, you help others up and see some sitting on the side lines, because they don't seek Jesus, who is standing next to them. During the walk, we find others to talk with and find answers to questions we prayed about. Also during the walk, we find ourselves becoming children. We laugh and don't care who hears, we stand up for what we believe in no matter what we are risking, we cry when we feel the need to not caring what others think, sharing comes and it is in everyones heart, loving accepting and forgiving everyone, and of course our passion never fades it only changes so that its for Jesus.
            When I think of this spiritual journey I can't help but know every step gets me closer to the finish line and that Jesus and His Father are always with me and listening to what is in my heart.
  Many blessings be to you and may you see God everywhere you look~ CarissaGrace

God Speaking to Me

I've been trying to write a blog for this week for the past six days. Everything that came to mind though just didn't seem like the best thing to write. I guess I can't put it off anymore.

     For most of last week I felt like God was speaking through everyone. Tuesday when I watched two boys, one four and the other three, it just seemed like God was shining through them more than normal. Some days you can never forget and it was one of those days. A few things I would like to share with you about it was that kids is where God shines through the easiest because, they know that he's real and they really don't have the world fighting against their faith. Second, you know when you're doing something right when you're watching Blue's Clues and a when Steve says something about being the best babysitter ever and a four year old smiles then looks at you. Although, the four year old asked me why Steve didn't have a girlfriend at a random point during the movie. Third, brothers are the best ones to look at when you want to see different people. After I was done watching them, we were sitting in the car and the boys were watching a movie, I looked back to look at them because they were being REALLY quiet and I saw the four year old wide-eyed and mouth open in Awe leaning forward and the three year old with a look of disgust leaning back as far as he could.Children really are the best way to go when you need a straight answer.
    Wednesday, I hung out with a family that I might babysit for and then helped watch five kids for a bible study that night. When I was hanging out with the family, really just the mom and youngest child, I realized how much God means to me and how much He has changed me life. As I talked to the mother, I realized that I have changed more in the last eight months then I care to admit. With every conversation we shared God had something for me to listen to. I enjoyed my faith growing in a different but amazing way. At the bible study, the kids really opened my eyes.Everyone sharing and helping each other, but mainly it was a four year old and a six year old as they talked about girlfriends. I was standing at the door with it half way closed an I was in the hallway watching a two year old get a drink because she didn't want me helping her. As I stood there though, the boys not knowing I was listening, they talked about their girlfriends and the four year old said he gave his girlfriend away.A few other things said led me to the conclusion about their thoughts of having a "girlfriend." My heart broke when I knew what they thought, that you HAVE to have a girlfriend or your not "cool." We (the youth) are their apostles and this is what they have learned from us. I wished I could say that I am not helping them think that having a girlfriend is important but I have a boyfriend which means I'm his girlfriend. They are supposed to be learning to turn their back on the way of the world and smile on the path of God but that is not what we are teaching them, is it? Sure, their parents are but they truly look up to us and we are showing them this, I'm not saying having a girl friend is disobeying God but when a four year old thinks he NEEDS a girlfriend to be "cool" I think thats where we are following the world. Its a real eye-opener, or at least it seems that way.
    Saturday, I asked my father for a ride to church and my sister asked if she could go too. He got anger with me because my sister wants to grow in her faith. When we got to church, all I wanted to do was cry and be left alone. I asked if they needed my help and they did. I was able to hold back the tears while I taught Kindergarten-Second grade but in the middle of our project I was asked if I drove to church. I smiled and said no, they asked who dropped me off. I wanted to cry again but answered. Still wanting to know more about me they ask why. I looked at them and said because my dad doesn't go to church. Asking more questions, they replied why doesn't he like church. How do you tell a bunch of kids that you fight for your faith everyday? That your life is filled with people who are against God? I really didn't have anything to say so I simple answered with," Because he doesn't love God." I changed the subject quickly by starting a game. I'm happy that they wanted to know about me but it could have been on a better night.

 ( I'm in  TOO good of a mood to finish this right now, do it later?)

Trials,Prisons,Valleys and Caves

 (I started this Friday August 20th, 2010)
       Over the last eight months I've learned that no matter how hard you try, you can never do it alone. No matter how much you don't want people to care, they will. No matter how much you don't want to trust them, you will and no matter how much you don't want it to hurt, it will. Although to many people these seem to be bad things, really, they are great things that just happened. Everything in life has a reason on being there, it just depends on what side you come out on. You can come out on the side with Christ or you can give up and throw away everything that means anything to you.
            Since I started my walk with God, I've learned to accept everything I can't change and change everything that I can, so that it glorifies God. I've only been on the path of God for a year but I've only been walk or running after God for about eight months now. Most days, I'm full out, not going to stop to breath, running after God, but in times like this I'm walking with God looking at all the blessings He has put in my life. Sometimes, its seems easier to give up on my faith but then I remember what Jesus went through just so I could be saved. I remember everything I went through and I look at the people who make my life and this walk easier and realize, I could never give up on God no matter how hard,frightening, or crazy my life is at the moment.Last night I went to youth group, and my youth minister's wife ask if it was OK to pray over me, I'm sure she would have even if it wasn't, but afterwards she told me never to give up and she would never give up on me. That right there is why I am here, that is why I believe in God, because everyone helps you through your walk, they pick you up when you fall and they even help heal your wounds.Besides that, they become your family when yours leaves you behind, hoping for something better.

  (Now I'm finishing it, Friday September 10th, 2010)

      Since I first started this, I have written about things going on in my life and things that may not seems so important but are. One thing that is really important to me is my faith. Lately, a lot of people are asking how my walk is going, or how I am. Yes, I am asked everyday how I am, many times in fact, but you know when you get the real, worried how are yous. It always makes me wonder if I should be putting on a smile or something, this last weekend I received two in a row. I questioned myself if I looked like I needed more sleep, or if I had said something to anyone about my week being not so great. Not a single thing came to mind, not one. The person who asked me the second time though said she heard I didn't have a great week. Sure I didn't have an awesome amazing week but I was trying to make the best of it. I thought I was doing a pretty good job until that was said. I said of course and asked if they needed help. I think the hardest part of that is knowing I tried to make the best of things and not knowing if I did.
        Now onto my walk. Well since people, a lot of them, have been asking how my walk has been going I figured I would try to explain it as best as I could. Even though I think my face expressions and hand movements describe it better than words can. I know my faith is defiantly growing stronger and I am more open about my faith than ever before, but I feel like I'm dragging my feet while walking. I used to be the one running after him now I'm just not able to even jog after him. When I was running with Him I know that I was in a different situation than I am now. And my life may have seemed easier and had less confusion, plus I didn't feel completely alone but I should always be able to run after God. Shouldn't I? Even if my life has changed in a way that I could never have imaged it to. I think I should but I just can't run after him which kinda sucks because He has made my life so much easier and just amazing. I've been trying to put what God means to me in words for eight months and I just can't. He is just too amazing for words and awesome in every way. He is God and nothing seems as worthy as that. So really, I have no idea how my walk is going. If I had to say it was anything, I would say that it is a walk that I will not sit down during, a walk I will not turn around in, and a walk I'm not going through alone.
         Tonight,  someone who I don't get to spend much time with took me home. It was the first time in two weeks that I really have seen her and I'm not really suppose to be with her but I needed to be, I guess. I spent the last year basically becoming their family and my family theirs, maybe. Something like that. I guess the time I spent with her wasn't all that much thinking back when I used to spent entire days with her learning that I was more like her than anyone else I knew. But it was the most time I had spent with her in two weeks and I used to basically live at their house. Fifteen minutes was maybe what it was maybe a few minutes longer but not much and in that time I learned more about how she felt about what was going on, then we ever talked about. When dropping me off  she said that there was nothing my father could do. Not wanting to ruin the feeling I had but did I said that there was and she said there really wasn't. I told her that he could not allow me to go to church, youth group, he could take away my computer and maybe even my Bible. I guess what she said next was right but its not fair that she was right. She was right that even to go to youth group and church is a fight. He doesn't want me to go, but its the only thing of me I have left. I'm not allowed to leave the house, not unless my father is with me or I'm going to youth group. I babysit some kids at church on Tuesdays and he doesn't even approve of me doing that. Just because its my youth ministers kids, I could be doing worst things then improving my faith. She said that he really couldn't make me suffer more than I already am. Which is truly but false at the same time. Youth group and church mean more than then air I breath because its where God is shared, it is where lives are saved and its where no one feels alone. God can be shared anywhere, lives are saved everywhere and there are many places where no one feels alone but thats where I was told about God, thats where my life was saved and thats where even though I knew only three people, I didn't feel lonely, But really, I'm not the only one suffering. She is,(many others are as well) and I know this because our hugs are longer, she knows I'm in pain and we never say goodbye. Before I guessed we never really hugged, I mean sure we must of but I can't remember any off the top of my head of when things were different. Even before, when I hurt she just knew, and I may not be her biological child but I'm her child of the heart. Which I find funny, because I'm dating her son but yet we both call her mom and almost everyone at church thinks she's my biological mother. Before this whole thing, I always told her bye or see you later but now I'm kinda afraid that whatever I say last could really be the last thing I say to her for a while. Its only been a month since the fight with my dad but I've only seen her three times, maybe. I do miss her and her family and all the times we shared but God is working through everyone now, thats what He wants. Now that I think about it, I miss her cooking too. Maybe thats why I spent SO many hours watching her cook,so I could "learn" to cook it in times like these. Guess God has a plan for everything, always has. God is really making this into something that is going to bring glory to Him. Thats all I can hope for and that people can look back on my life and know that when I was going through prisons, caves, valleys, and trials I always made the best of it. Plus in all times I thanked God, everyday I found Him and every time I loved Him.
   Blessing be to you and may you see God every where you look~CarissaGrace

Hiding from Secrets

                This past week has been kind of painful. Not in a way that I am physically hurt but that I am finding out how hurt others are by the fight my father and I had. One of my very good friends, Colleen, found out a little last Sunday. This past Thursday she told me I wasn't myself. I tried to fake a smile, laugh at something silly but I was still broken on the inside. I tried not to say much lately because I'm tired of crying over our fight. Marina and I talked for a while Thursday night as well. She said that we both had to stop running from our past. I want so much to know why I'm scared of the dark, why I don't know my past, and why I'm afraid to learn about it. I understand that most people are scared of the dark but its not like my fear of spiders, its something that has to do with my past and why I blocked it out. I remember some of my childhood and most of my memories are not ones that I enjoy or feel like telling others, but none of them explain why I don't trust my father or why I was never left alone with him. My parents aren't even in most of my memories, which makes me wonder why. I know my father worked in the mornings but I can't remember my mother having a job before my parents split up, I was six maybe seven when that happened. After she said we had to stop running from our past, she told me didn't matter if her blood ran through my veins because from this day and until forever there was a place in her heart for me that no one could take from us. As I heard her say this, I realized she would always be part of my life, even if it was just a memory I smiled at everyday. Plus that even though I'm going through something no ones wants to, I will and put on a smile even if its just for a little while. Marina truly is my mom. Its kind of frustrating sometimes though, because when I'm pacing back and forth or even just standing still she knows somethings wrong, it happens a lot when she's cooking. And then bugs me about it until I let myself now somethings wrong. After that happens I normally cry or have since I've known her. Even though I've known her longer than I have Jason or Andrea, I can tell any of them whats going on for the most part. If I ever had boy problems, I would most likely go to Andrea or Marina. Not that I couldn't talk to Jason about it but he's a guy and guys don't understand girl talk. Although, I would go to Marina and Andrea for help but I would rather talk to this amazing person from youth group that is Christ centered because of how she responds to everything and she was the person I told with my last boy troubles. I would talk to Jason,Andrea and Marina about anything though, they ask and I'll answer. Most times I just tell, and then they ask. Through the past eight months, I've noticed more and more the things that make me uncomfortable. Not just thats not cool, but really make me nervous and not in any good way. Like, a while back Alex got in my face and I turned my head, or when I flipped out over Alex pushing me back into the corner. A few other things as well, but really don't feel like telling the whole world at this moment. I truly would love to keep acting as if were just a nightmare but like Marina said I can't keep running from the past. I know that if I keep running my walk with God can't change, it can't grow. I don't want to remember, I'm scared. I know everything that happened is over and I know God is with me but if I do remember then what will come next? I will have to accept it and forgive it, what if I can't? Maybe it really was just a dream, I hope it was. Looks like my past will find a way to bring back the memories. I really need to stop worrying about everything that God has in his hands. Yup thats all I need to do. My fear of God is stronger than my fear of temptation or even the dark. Which is good, because I know I will never walk away from Him or His laws. (I now kind of random but really its not) Okay so when I first found the path of God, I found this web site, http://www.crosswalk.com/ I don't even remember how I found it. Anyways, I went there to find out who were Jesus's twelve and I saw this book  called "Your Secret Name " By Kary Oberbrunner and was curious about it. I was reading the last page about it and in the middle of the page said, "You must accept who you are in order to discover who you were created to be."  I guess accepting my past would be accepting who I am... I guess God wanted me to read that. I always find it funny when I realize something, then God tells me almost exactly what I just realized as if to reasure me. Its wonderful how He works. I don't know what to do anymore. I guess I haven't for a while. Everyone wants to know what I want to become when I grow up, and I don't really care what I become, as long as its what God wants. I could be many things but I don't know if anything in mind is my true calling. I could think it may be but only God knows what I'm meant to be. So many things He could choose for me to be and yet maybe none that I can think of. I thought about being a Mother because I love kids, maybe I should become a teacher, or anything else that has kids in it. I love to write but I'm not the greatest at it. A lot of people say I can sing, I don't think I can at all. I have a great memory and I'm great at medical stuff, a doctor maybe. Or a vet or who knows what.I used to be a photogragher, I used to take pictures at weddings.Some of the pictures I took were better than the one they hired.So, I really don't now what God wants me to be or what any of my talents are...
    Blessings be to you and may you see God every where you look ~CarissaGrace

(Have church in nine hours so i can't really revise this or add to it at the moment. Besides that, I was told not to revise my own work because I am my worst critic,which is true, and I will take out the best parts. So if you could tell me how it could be better or anything. Thank you) 
                                                                                                     

          

Home with family...

 I know I said I might only blog once a week but have posted a blog everyday.
       When I woke up this morning, I had, " the art of losing myself in bring you praise," stuck in my head.Nothing more than that one line and I had no idea why. I kept singing it over and over until my cousin picked me up. As we were about half a mile from church, Marina drove past us on her way back home. I smiled, waved and turned around to watch her leave. I knew Alex, my best friend and my boyfriend, was already there. When I got dropped off, I almost ran to GraceKids just so I would know that I wasn't dreaming about being there. Val said it looked like me. At this time I had on a shirt that Marina had given me months before and never really wore it, plus high heels that I never wear. I helped do check-in and then I left to do tech for the main room in GK. Like the night before, not one of the kids knew the song (From the inside out by Hillsong United) that they had been doing for the past two weeks. I chose "I will boast" to lead. I stood behind the chairs in the room and did the motions. The kids on stage were doing so great one of the small group leaders turned around to see what they were looking at. She just smiled and started following the kids. After worship for them was over I went up stairs to help with the four and five's. Once I got there, I learned what we were doing, and found out just how small the 9:00 service really was. Most of the time I help out at the 10:30 service for four and fives and the last time we did it I had 23 kids.Plus there was only two of us, Marina and myself. For today though there was only THREE kids at the nine O'clock service.  I made my first art project that turned out to look amazing. I can't even trace my hand so it was really cool. I know I go from this to that but any ways, when I was in there it was like time had slowed down and I would never get to see Marina. After, I left GK I went right over to the main church and saw my youth minister's kids, then Andrea, his wife. I stood there for what seemed forever and still no Marina. I was getting worried that she wouldn't show. I got restless and went back to GK to get my jacket, yes I know its summer in Colorado but it was in case I got cold. Its always freezing in the church. When I walked in the main room of GK, Val had just walked in too. She looked stressed and worried. I ask her what was wrong, then I noticed there were no adults besides us. I asked her if she needed me to stay there while she looked for her helpers. She said that would be good for a few minutes. As I stood there for about six maybe seven minutes, every helper showed up. The tech person still wasn't there so I was just going to do it. As the host came up to the tech booth I ask him if he knew the movements to this months song. He said no. I told him about the two other services and we made a choice.I picked "I will Boast" and " Might to save" to do instead. We had done these in the months before. I offered to lead the songs because well, I found it easier to remember the songs when I did the movements. Not all song are like that though. He said he would do tech so I could be on stage and I picked a few kids to come on stage and help me lead. As I led the kids and even the adults through the songs, I was filled with happiness because even though I wasn't getting to worship at the main church I was still was worshiping. Afterward, I ran over to the main church eager to see Marina. I walked in and she wasn't sitting in her normal spot, so I looked over by the youth group kids and sure enough I saw her. I walked up by them and started singing. She looked at me and just hugged me. As I stood there hugging her, I felt like I had been gone for a really,really long time and I had just come home. As I looked up, I saw my youth minister, Jason, and Andrea with their baby girl and I saw all my friends worshiping the Lord, knew that I truly was home. I started crying and just felt so much happiness and joy that I didn't know what to do. We hugged each other for a long time but it didn't seem long enough. As we let go, Marina looked at me, with tears running down her cheeks and said something that I've heard a lot lately by my church family and that is, " I love you, Riss" most people don't call me Riss though. I said I loved her too and we hugged again. I never wanted to let go but I did because I knew it wasn't going to be the last time I hugged her and I knew that no one can stop me from loving her or anyone else there. And its not that my church family doesn't tell me they love me all the time because they do, but I just notice it more when I'm walking with God in troubled times. We moved up one row that way we could all sit together.(Marina, Alex, and Marina's daughter, Lachelle.)As we stood there singing the last worship song before Karl's message, I realized how much I missed her voice and the reason why I had to miss anything about her. I pushed back my tears and knew that I didn't have to worry because I knew everything was in God's hands. Since I started going to Grace, I have felt like who ever is giving the message is really just having a one-on-one conversation, telling what I need to hear. This last week was one that didn't want to break the streak. While I sat there listening to what God want me to hear, all I could think about is how blessed I am,truly. With everyone that I love and loves me, and how they help/helped me on this walk with God. After the message we prayed, just like we always do.But this time when we should have stood up,Marina sat there crying.I gave her a hug and stood up to worship. Soon after my hug she left and I knew she was crying because of me.I don't know exactly what but I do know it was because of me. At that moment I wished I could take away her pain and even the memory of ever meeting me. I really wanted to run after her to talk about everything but stood still. I can't though and I'm glad because everyone's lives would be pretty boring if I wasn't here to make it sound more complicated then it really is, or to have someone hear me tell a story that is switching around from here to there and back here oh and the details no one has to know to get the point.After she ran out, Andrea came over and gave me a hug.Later I talked to her about the hug and I found out I'm a lot like her.Andrea said I looked like I was holding up just fine and then she said that you could look fine on the outside but inside is a different story. Boy, is she right, although I have shared my feelings more now that I'm a believer than any other time in my life. Which is good, I'm starting to trust almost everyone and tell them whats going on. (Remember how I was wearing high heels, well they were three inches high,which made me about the same height as most people or even taller. I almost fell over when I was hugging Andrea and noticed how I leaned on her so I could get my footing, with out people,I would be a very clumsy person on the path of Christ and just standing any where. :D) I have to love the people  I am becoming/am like because they are all people who have walked this far on this path with me and are still push me to walk farther. I love my REAL ( real meaning the people who know who I am and what I'm about, basically my church family ) family. :DDD
       Blessings be to you and may you see God every where you look~ CarissaGrace

On the path of becoming a Child

Everyday we are all temped, you just have to be strong enough to say no. Many can not and others give you the strength to say no. No matter how many times we say no though, the enemy just keeps attacking. We have to find the one thing that keeps us strong to say no. The one thing that keeps me going is my faith in Christ. I find it easier to keep going if I know what I'm doing is right and when I help out at church, I find things that tell me I know what I chose was right. Below is many things that made my day better and the one thing that shocked me the most.

         Tonight at church, I was a small group leader for kindergarten to second grade. After we were done with the bible story we split into our groups. For this lesson the kids had to draw a picture of a way they can make peace this week and how it could become part of their daily lives.After that we played a game of running to get one word from their memory verse and seeing who could put it together faster. No one got a toy or anything it was just for fun,then came more drawing, this time it was about something they did this past week that wasn't peaceful and how they were going to fix it.My favorite part came next, praying, but not for ourselves but for their partner. Well, I had eight kids, three girls and five boys. Out of those kids, I had two sets that were brother and sister. When we first sat down to draw our first picture, this little boy who was going into the first grade started talking to me. He told the whole group about his twin brother who died when they were just really little and how he was sick. He stopped coloring for a moment took a deep breath and said," I miss Freddie, yea I miss him." In the purest, loving way of a child with a broken heart. I almost started crying because the look of sorrow on his face and the pain in his voice just made my heart ache with grief. Another little boy said that his mom was carrying a baby in her tummy when the baby died and everyone asked if it was because the baby was sick and he said yes.Afterward, everyone smiled and it was time for our game. As I look at what was said between this group of children, where most of them don't know each other, I have to smile and know that this is what I live for. To learn how to became a child once more, to learn to love everyone, even if I don't know them and be able to tell anything to a complete stranger. We should all learn to become children like as Jesus said,"I tell you the truth, unless you change and become like little children, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven." Matthew 18:3  I now know what he means. That our love and thoughts have to be pure like a child's. That we must be able to share grief and understanding with everyone. And that we can forgive and forget as a child does. And also as a child learn whats right and what is wrong, and follow the right no matter who gets mad or who tells you wrong is okay.
      As the service went on, the other brother and sister set that was there I find different. I don't know another way of wording it. The little boy has autism, and it wasn't at all that bad but for our prayer, where they prayed for their partner, I paired boy with boy and girl with girl. If you remember I had more boys than girls, so I paired the boy with autism with his sister. When I first told them this, she asked one question that I couldn't believe," Why do I have to be with the manic?!?" I looked at her and replied in a calm voice, "He's your brother, and its never nice or okay to call someone a manic." She said sorry and that was the end of it.This is where temptation of hate and/or anger comes in and it is also where you say no. I disliked the fact she said that but I didn't even think about getting anger, I just wanted her to understand that it was wrong. Could I have told her something else, of course but this was the first thing that came to mind and it worked. That's all I care about, is that I could react in a Christian way and show her how to be.
     After church I called my Aunt Donna for a ride to my Grandma's, where we were having a birthday party for my Aunt Marla who was visiting from Texas. I waited 35 minutes with Bill and Karen and some boys from church before they came.During that time I realized how much my church family is just my family. How they know me better than my family ever will and how I know I can tell almost anyone anything about myself and I know they will never judge me.As I spent more time with my biological family, I realized that I don't want to become anyone of them. I love my family and their friends but they have become their actions and their actions are not made to improve the kingdom of God. I see now that the older you become and the longer you live with out Christ, the tighter grip the enemy has on you and the worse you are as a person. Since I am a teenager, I still hear the way other teens talk and I know that it is horrible but as I walked by a few groups of my family I saw that the way a teen talks is one tenth of the way they talked. It hurt to know that my church family was the only family I have to look up to. That I will never know my family for what God wants them to be. Through out the whole party, my Aunt Marla kept calling me over to where she was and every time the conversation they were having was one I wasn't going to be a part of because I was not going to let my mind be filled with things that would let temptation win and  he would have is I ever listened. The one time I did get caught in one of their conversations it was about something that I REALLY,REALLY truly honestly didn't want to be there for so I simple said this," Okay!Teenager here! I hear enough of this at school, I will not hear it anymore!" As everyone busted up laughing from the beers they had already , I walked away wondering how they got so far down the road of the world.I stayed inside taking pictures of people who were not as bad as the who's out side but still testing my faith. I got through the night having no idea why they let their mind rot in the gutter for so long and yet leave it there still. I don't know why when I ask a simple question it was turned into a disgusting joke or why they will never understand that I walk the path of God.I may never know these answers but I don't care. I was able to make it all night  with out falling into temptation.
       The most shocking news for my day. As I got home, I went to Facebook and it said I had seven updates. I had no idea why I checked it earlier and didn't post anything to have people comment on it. I read the third one down and it said Andrea posted something on your wall. Andrea is my youth minister's wife, but she's just as much as my youth minister as he is. As I clicked on it I had no idea why she would be commenting on my wall, I didn't think I needed to watch their kids today. Never had to before and she tells me most things in person or a message.When I first saw her post, I had NO clue what I commented on her blog or which one. My reply, " No problem :DDDD" Still have no clue what I wrote but it was the truth it always is. I went to her page and right there on her status is the link to this blog.I stopped breath and was in complete Ah. I never thought anyone would read it, let alone put it as there status.It made my day seem so much better though,because even though I had to fight temptation, in the end someone else saw why I was doing it...
Blessings be to you and may you see God everywhere you look~CarissaGrace

Ps- I will fix all misspelled words and grammer mistakes as soon as I can but I'm tired and need some sleep it four in the morning. <(^,^)>

Accepting my Challenge

        All day I've tried writing about God and I couldn't write anything that I didn't just save as a draft. I realized a few moments ago what I needed to write. God has given my life purpose and He has made it worth living for. You can't live life with out God, you just watch it pass by. I started my walk with God about eight months ago but I've been on the path of God for about a year. I have tripped and fell many times on this path and I'm sure a great deal more will come, but I knew accepting Christ into my life would change who I am and everything I live for.Every time I fell, my church family was there to pick me back up again and they even help me heal my wounds. Through this life choice, I have made so many relationships that I will never forget and I know those people have helped me on this path. Being a teenager in this modern world, temptation is every where and if you don't say yes to what's "the new best thing" then you are considered "uncool" or a " Jesus Freak." So, this is where you have to make a choice; you can choose Christ or the way of the world.Being a believer I have chosen the path of Christ, no matter how much harder it is to accept Christ as a high student. But I accept this challenge because in the end its going to be more than worth it to have fought for it.For I will be striving for the person God wants me to be, fighting for my faith in this world and let you know how my walk with God is going, I might only be blogging once a week.
    Blessing to you and may you always see God where ever you look.~ CarissaGrace