Hiding from Secrets

                This past week has been kind of painful. Not in a way that I am physically hurt but that I am finding out how hurt others are by the fight my father and I had. One of my very good friends, Colleen, found out a little last Sunday. This past Thursday she told me I wasn't myself. I tried to fake a smile, laugh at something silly but I was still broken on the inside. I tried not to say much lately because I'm tired of crying over our fight. Marina and I talked for a while Thursday night as well. She said that we both had to stop running from our past. I want so much to know why I'm scared of the dark, why I don't know my past, and why I'm afraid to learn about it. I understand that most people are scared of the dark but its not like my fear of spiders, its something that has to do with my past and why I blocked it out. I remember some of my childhood and most of my memories are not ones that I enjoy or feel like telling others, but none of them explain why I don't trust my father or why I was never left alone with him. My parents aren't even in most of my memories, which makes me wonder why. I know my father worked in the mornings but I can't remember my mother having a job before my parents split up, I was six maybe seven when that happened. After she said we had to stop running from our past, she told me didn't matter if her blood ran through my veins because from this day and until forever there was a place in her heart for me that no one could take from us. As I heard her say this, I realized she would always be part of my life, even if it was just a memory I smiled at everyday. Plus that even though I'm going through something no ones wants to, I will and put on a smile even if its just for a little while. Marina truly is my mom. Its kind of frustrating sometimes though, because when I'm pacing back and forth or even just standing still she knows somethings wrong, it happens a lot when she's cooking. And then bugs me about it until I let myself now somethings wrong. After that happens I normally cry or have since I've known her. Even though I've known her longer than I have Jason or Andrea, I can tell any of them whats going on for the most part. If I ever had boy problems, I would most likely go to Andrea or Marina. Not that I couldn't talk to Jason about it but he's a guy and guys don't understand girl talk. Although, I would go to Marina and Andrea for help but I would rather talk to this amazing person from youth group that is Christ centered because of how she responds to everything and she was the person I told with my last boy troubles. I would talk to Jason,Andrea and Marina about anything though, they ask and I'll answer. Most times I just tell, and then they ask. Through the past eight months, I've noticed more and more the things that make me uncomfortable. Not just thats not cool, but really make me nervous and not in any good way. Like, a while back Alex got in my face and I turned my head, or when I flipped out over Alex pushing me back into the corner. A few other things as well, but really don't feel like telling the whole world at this moment. I truly would love to keep acting as if were just a nightmare but like Marina said I can't keep running from the past. I know that if I keep running my walk with God can't change, it can't grow. I don't want to remember, I'm scared. I know everything that happened is over and I know God is with me but if I do remember then what will come next? I will have to accept it and forgive it, what if I can't? Maybe it really was just a dream, I hope it was. Looks like my past will find a way to bring back the memories. I really need to stop worrying about everything that God has in his hands. Yup thats all I need to do. My fear of God is stronger than my fear of temptation or even the dark. Which is good, because I know I will never walk away from Him or His laws. (I now kind of random but really its not) Okay so when I first found the path of God, I found this web site, http://www.crosswalk.com/ I don't even remember how I found it. Anyways, I went there to find out who were Jesus's twelve and I saw this book  called "Your Secret Name " By Kary Oberbrunner and was curious about it. I was reading the last page about it and in the middle of the page said, "You must accept who you are in order to discover who you were created to be."  I guess accepting my past would be accepting who I am... I guess God wanted me to read that. I always find it funny when I realize something, then God tells me almost exactly what I just realized as if to reasure me. Its wonderful how He works. I don't know what to do anymore. I guess I haven't for a while. Everyone wants to know what I want to become when I grow up, and I don't really care what I become, as long as its what God wants. I could be many things but I don't know if anything in mind is my true calling. I could think it may be but only God knows what I'm meant to be. So many things He could choose for me to be and yet maybe none that I can think of. I thought about being a Mother because I love kids, maybe I should become a teacher, or anything else that has kids in it. I love to write but I'm not the greatest at it. A lot of people say I can sing, I don't think I can at all. I have a great memory and I'm great at medical stuff, a doctor maybe. Or a vet or who knows what.I used to be a photogragher, I used to take pictures at weddings.Some of the pictures I took were better than the one they hired.So, I really don't now what God wants me to be or what any of my talents are...
    Blessings be to you and may you see God every where you look ~CarissaGrace

(Have church in nine hours so i can't really revise this or add to it at the moment. Besides that, I was told not to revise my own work because I am my worst critic,which is true, and I will take out the best parts. So if you could tell me how it could be better or anything. Thank you)