Trials,Prisons,Valleys and Caves

 (I started this Friday August 20th, 2010)
       Over the last eight months I've learned that no matter how hard you try, you can never do it alone. No matter how much you don't want people to care, they will. No matter how much you don't want to trust them, you will and no matter how much you don't want it to hurt, it will. Although to many people these seem to be bad things, really, they are great things that just happened. Everything in life has a reason on being there, it just depends on what side you come out on. You can come out on the side with Christ or you can give up and throw away everything that means anything to you.
            Since I started my walk with God, I've learned to accept everything I can't change and change everything that I can, so that it glorifies God. I've only been on the path of God for a year but I've only been walk or running after God for about eight months now. Most days, I'm full out, not going to stop to breath, running after God, but in times like this I'm walking with God looking at all the blessings He has put in my life. Sometimes, its seems easier to give up on my faith but then I remember what Jesus went through just so I could be saved. I remember everything I went through and I look at the people who make my life and this walk easier and realize, I could never give up on God no matter how hard,frightening, or crazy my life is at the moment.Last night I went to youth group, and my youth minister's wife ask if it was OK to pray over me, I'm sure she would have even if it wasn't, but afterwards she told me never to give up and she would never give up on me. That right there is why I am here, that is why I believe in God, because everyone helps you through your walk, they pick you up when you fall and they even help heal your wounds.Besides that, they become your family when yours leaves you behind, hoping for something better.

  (Now I'm finishing it, Friday September 10th, 2010)

      Since I first started this, I have written about things going on in my life and things that may not seems so important but are. One thing that is really important to me is my faith. Lately, a lot of people are asking how my walk is going, or how I am. Yes, I am asked everyday how I am, many times in fact, but you know when you get the real, worried how are yous. It always makes me wonder if I should be putting on a smile or something, this last weekend I received two in a row. I questioned myself if I looked like I needed more sleep, or if I had said something to anyone about my week being not so great. Not a single thing came to mind, not one. The person who asked me the second time though said she heard I didn't have a great week. Sure I didn't have an awesome amazing week but I was trying to make the best of it. I thought I was doing a pretty good job until that was said. I said of course and asked if they needed help. I think the hardest part of that is knowing I tried to make the best of things and not knowing if I did.
        Now onto my walk. Well since people, a lot of them, have been asking how my walk has been going I figured I would try to explain it as best as I could. Even though I think my face expressions and hand movements describe it better than words can. I know my faith is defiantly growing stronger and I am more open about my faith than ever before, but I feel like I'm dragging my feet while walking. I used to be the one running after him now I'm just not able to even jog after him. When I was running with Him I know that I was in a different situation than I am now. And my life may have seemed easier and had less confusion, plus I didn't feel completely alone but I should always be able to run after God. Shouldn't I? Even if my life has changed in a way that I could never have imaged it to. I think I should but I just can't run after him which kinda sucks because He has made my life so much easier and just amazing. I've been trying to put what God means to me in words for eight months and I just can't. He is just too amazing for words and awesome in every way. He is God and nothing seems as worthy as that. So really, I have no idea how my walk is going. If I had to say it was anything, I would say that it is a walk that I will not sit down during, a walk I will not turn around in, and a walk I'm not going through alone.
         Tonight,  someone who I don't get to spend much time with took me home. It was the first time in two weeks that I really have seen her and I'm not really suppose to be with her but I needed to be, I guess. I spent the last year basically becoming their family and my family theirs, maybe. Something like that. I guess the time I spent with her wasn't all that much thinking back when I used to spent entire days with her learning that I was more like her than anyone else I knew. But it was the most time I had spent with her in two weeks and I used to basically live at their house. Fifteen minutes was maybe what it was maybe a few minutes longer but not much and in that time I learned more about how she felt about what was going on, then we ever talked about. When dropping me off  she said that there was nothing my father could do. Not wanting to ruin the feeling I had but did I said that there was and she said there really wasn't. I told her that he could not allow me to go to church, youth group, he could take away my computer and maybe even my Bible. I guess what she said next was right but its not fair that she was right. She was right that even to go to youth group and church is a fight. He doesn't want me to go, but its the only thing of me I have left. I'm not allowed to leave the house, not unless my father is with me or I'm going to youth group. I babysit some kids at church on Tuesdays and he doesn't even approve of me doing that. Just because its my youth ministers kids, I could be doing worst things then improving my faith. She said that he really couldn't make me suffer more than I already am. Which is truly but false at the same time. Youth group and church mean more than then air I breath because its where God is shared, it is where lives are saved and its where no one feels alone. God can be shared anywhere, lives are saved everywhere and there are many places where no one feels alone but thats where I was told about God, thats where my life was saved and thats where even though I knew only three people, I didn't feel lonely, But really, I'm not the only one suffering. She is,(many others are as well) and I know this because our hugs are longer, she knows I'm in pain and we never say goodbye. Before I guessed we never really hugged, I mean sure we must of but I can't remember any off the top of my head of when things were different. Even before, when I hurt she just knew, and I may not be her biological child but I'm her child of the heart. Which I find funny, because I'm dating her son but yet we both call her mom and almost everyone at church thinks she's my biological mother. Before this whole thing, I always told her bye or see you later but now I'm kinda afraid that whatever I say last could really be the last thing I say to her for a while. Its only been a month since the fight with my dad but I've only seen her three times, maybe. I do miss her and her family and all the times we shared but God is working through everyone now, thats what He wants. Now that I think about it, I miss her cooking too. Maybe thats why I spent SO many hours watching her cook,so I could "learn" to cook it in times like these. Guess God has a plan for everything, always has. God is really making this into something that is going to bring glory to Him. Thats all I can hope for and that people can look back on my life and know that when I was going through prisons, caves, valleys, and trials I always made the best of it. Plus in all times I thanked God, everyday I found Him and every time I loved Him.
   Blessing be to you and may you see God every where you look~CarissaGrace