Struggling But Still Smiling

Where, O' where do I begin? Well, I might as well tell you that I am doing good but at the same time, I'm struggling. But God is just really showing up in my life, well I'm just noticing it more.

 I've taken a closer look at my life the last few days, and I noticed a lot of big things that I normally miss. Like how when something happened and I got upset but then God worked through someone in my life and just made me smile. Or the fact that I have been babysitting for years and I'm now just realizing how much kids have changed my life. There is tons and tons of stuff that I have been missing. Even now, I came to write the person of the love day challenge and I see that Andrea has some new posts. Which just made a smile and laugh come from deep,deep with in.

 So there's a lot of drama, hurt and confusion going on with me. Drama that I could have completely avoided if I would have listened to God better. Hurt because I wasn't following God like I should have. Confusion because I don't know what God wants me to do. Plus I keep crying and even now I want to cry because if I was just focusing on God none of this would have happened.

What I'm struggling with more than anything else though is what to do. Even yesterday after everything happened, I wanted to call a very insightful person but I fought with myself for two hours on it. My winning statement, " You gave your word that you would talk to her even if you can't just ask her to pray for you." Of course I couldn't stop crying, which I very much dislike doing in front of people, and I'm positively sure that was the first time she has ever heard me cry. Being who she is, we talked for one hour and thirteen minutes.Not knowing what to do was asking for advice, now its whether or not to meet with my youth minister and if I'm just over reacting.

With not knowing what to do, the enemy is just really attacting right now. Trying to find the truth through the lies has never been my strong point. Now with thinking I'm just over reacting, I don't think I should meet with my youth minister but I don't know what the truth is. Everything going on just makes me question a few other things.  Like who I am, who my friends are, should I keep teaching, should I stop going to the Grove, why didn't I see this coming, why haven't I been listening, am I a good person, am I a good influence, if not should I keep babysitting, should I do this or that and its really getting out of control. All I can do is pray and read the Bible, asking for God's help. I do know a few things though, like the fact thats I may not be a great influence but I don't see myself as a bad one, I defiantly want to keep babysitting, and I love teaching even if I'm not the greatest at it. So why would I stop doing the things I love and see God working in those areas of my life?

I think my biggest fear though, is that I am getting in the way of someone else's walk with God. I know its their choice to walk with God or not but it still feels like I am getting in the way. I know my heart hasn't at peace with anything since yesterday evening and its just hard and difficult to keep fighting with everything. All I want is to be me. Not have to tip-toe on eggshells while I'm doing it either. So if I am, how could I change that or how do I stop feeling like I am?

Happier, great things going on though (which is just God's perfectly amazing timing) I meet a new friend Ashley, and I'm reconnecting with some old ones. Ashley and I have so much in common its almost scary. She used to babysit some of the same kids I do now before they moved here. I'm not going to lie, it was kinda weird to talk to her at first because I didn't want her to think I was trying to take her place or anything. Although, I'm sure thats what it might of felt like at first. We had a conversation about it and got everything cleared up. See, I enjoy relationships (friendship types) and I think they are important. When I think I might be changing or getting in the way of one, I back off and try to work everything out. Ashley and I worked out some issues that needed to be fixed before we really got to know each other and God defiantly show us how. I've been looking for a very equal friendship. Don;t get me wrong I love my friends so much and I know they help me but I don't know just an equal friendship with someone my age I guess. Well, God did just that or at least it seems like it with Ashley so far. :)

  Old friends, well I guess not really old, but we all went to Dare2Share together. We all sat in the back on the way there and got to know each other. There was a picture taken of us and the five of are all showing who we are. I just got done posting them on FaceBook last week and tagged everyone. Serena, the newest one of the group, said she missed though times. As if it was 10 or 20 years ago?!?!? Since I have been feeling like showing lots and lots of love lately, we are all going to get together and just have fun. No clue when that is or not but as I read earlier tonight," Life is short." I read that on Andrea's blog.

I just feel like time is becoming shorter and shorter, which it is but we are all missing these really important moments. I think so anyways, I also think we all need to show down and enjoy life. For the next two days I have to sit through hours and hours of testing, but I'm still going to enjoy it because it is another chance to show God's love. I still have another chance to help spread God's Kingdom.

How can you slow your life down this week?


So since I keep bring up Andrea's blog and I just feel like I need to post the link so you can see how spectacular she,her writing and her walk are/is.
http://thegressmanfamily.blogspot.com/


Love you all and blessings,
      CarissaGrace