I have been thinking about the word love a lot lately. I'm sure some of you have noticed in my writing. Today while speaking about love and posting my 120 day Love Challenge this morning, God was planning on changing something in my heart tonight.
Having a great day, even getting a nap in before a great dinner, something about the word love kept coming to me. Through the laughs and a few unhappy moments, the word love just kept coming to mind. Just thinking about love and how great it is. When I say how great love is, I don't mean boyfriend/girlfriend love.I mean the whole I love you, you love me.(This is NOT where we all start singing the Barney song!) I couldn't, for some reason, get that word to go away. For the past few weeks that word just keeps coming up. Still not knowing why, I had faith in God that He would help me understand later.
Having hope that God would help me understand, I tried not to worry and just live. While at church tonight, God really just spoke through the pastor. If you know God then I'm sure you could guess that the message was on love. How great is our God?!? I couldn't of been happier. I cried, a lot. I'm sure some of it was happy but other tears were just emotions being set free. I enjoyed crying, and I never,ever am happy about crying especial in front of people. During communion, I just was crying away when a very nice lady who helps at youth group came over and gave me a hug. She prayed for me and everything else. I was so grateful for her being there, even though I just wanted to be left alone. When I'm crying and stuff, sometimes I just want to be left alone. I didn't have it in me to ask her to go away. I think highly of this women and was very grateful for her help. I don't know if I should be posting how I felt...
March 6/7th.
So, today was a good day. Not everything about it was awesome but God made everything better. Which is why it was a good if not great day.
We had the night of worship tonight and also the fundraiser for Andrea and this other man recently diagnosed with Lymphoma. The night of worship and dinner fundraiser both started at the same time, Georgia and Mike invited me to go with them.While at the same time, High School Youth Group would have been happening but instead we went to the worship concert. I had no idea what we were doing, so I went to the worship concert, and then Georgia and Mike picked me up from there.
I arrived late to the concert, which was God's timing. Right as I got to the church a friend sent a text to me asking for help, you needed help find a Bible verse or something. Right as I walked into the church though, Georgia calls. We work out how I will know when they were there to pick me up. I hung up, walked inside and found a good friend of mine. While trying to worship the Lord, I also tried to have a conversation with her. It didn't work out either way, I couldn't focus and I also couldn't hear her. I as I tried to do an impossible thing an other friend comes up and gives me a hug. Some of the boys shaved their heads for Andrea tonight, some you could hardly recognize while others didn't have much hair to lose in the first place. But anyways, I walked over to where the youth was sitting and I thought I saw a few friends and gave them a hug and stood next to them.
I was so indescribably happy, and I have no idea why really. I think it was just from being able to worship and knowing God was working in my life. Knowing that God was just helping fix big problems, with just a simple smile. All day today, one thing went wrong and after another but during those times, God fixed them. He used the people around me to help me get through everything and remember that what I go through, He goes through. God also sent someone new to my life, which is awesome, because I think this is growing to be a very great friendship centered around God. Not only has God done that today, but for the first time in a month, I really, truly worshiped God. If it wasn't for God's amazing timing, I would have never had such a great day. Now that I think about it, no day would ever be great with out God's timing.
During worship, I felt peace and love. I felt accepted. I know many, many people accept and love me for who I am, but other people just can't accept this life I'm leading. While I was just there with God, it was so awe-striking. It was so breath taking just how it felt to realize everything God had done in my life. I knew before but its different from knowing that He has made changes in my life and really, truly knowing that He has been there every second and just felt how hurt or happy or whatever I was feeling the whole time.
Which lead me to some others who have just been there through the good and the bad, Andrea and Jason. They have been there when I have fallen so far from God to when I was closest to Him. I felt at that moment in time to go over and let them know how much I love them and how much they have changed my life. I didn't though. I don't know why, I just didn't. With everything going on with them, I don't think I have really offered to help or anything. I felt/feel just I don't even know what the word would be. But I just want them to know that I don't want it to be where they just help me and I don't help them. If that makes any sense.
I cleared my head again, just in time for the last three songs. Georgia called me halfway through the second song and I hit the ignore button, her calling was our signal for: leaving the house. I went back to God, laying everything before Him, I even cried tears of joy. Which NEVER ever happens, I believe thats the first time I cried for joy. I've cried from laughing too hard but that doesn't count and besides I wasn't laughing for the Lord, I was laughing because I find humor in everything as I so read today. Any how, while just being with God, I knew that this life I had chosen was the one meant for me. I mean I choose to babysit, which then I choose to have a relationship with the families. From there I choose to let them in my life, to then choosing to having them be part of my life. From which everything started because of my relationship with God that I chosen to have.
Worship for me tonight wasn't just about letting everything go, or just loving God or even getting to be with Him, I got to do all those things and did all of those things. But it was really me thanking God for everything He has done in my life and everything that He has planned for my life. Today, God just helped me see what little things He does through the people around me that I miss, all the time!
When trying to write the person of the day for the love challenge, I couldn't believe how many things God has done through the children in my life. I mean I do believe it because children are so pure and amazing but I just missed tons of it, until I started thinking about how they all made my life come closer to God.
I have tons and tons to say about the worship concert and the dinner fundraiser which I haven't even gotten to yet but since its already 2:30 AM, I think I should go to sleep before some great peoples' mom side kicks in.
Oh and just so you guys know, because I know at least one person thinks I felt convicted to tell Andrea and Jason how much I love them and how much they mean to me, when I was leaving right at the end of the last song (another truth to God's perfect timing) I went and gave Andrea a hug and told her I loved her. I didn't say everything I should of but I don't know, my heart isn't too worried about it.
If you, Andrea and/or Jason are reading this, You guys have changed my life in so many ways and you have helped me come closer to God than I could ever think of before. The two of you have been there through what seems like everything with me and I can't explain how much you guys mean to me. If I knew this is what was going to happened when I went to Grace the first time, I would have gone to the Grove sooner than I did but God has His timing and its always perfect. Thank you SOOOOOOO SOOOO SOOO much. I love you guys very more than very much and thank you for letting me be a part of your lives. :-)
Prayer Request-
Ky-Ky is sick and I told him I would pray for his health. If you guys could too, I would be extremely grateful. Thanks, Love you all!
Blessings,
CarissaGrace
(just reading this and then rereading and fixing mistakes, I want you all to know, especial since I'm writing about love, there is no guy in my life right now or anytime soon that I have strong positive dating relationship feelings for. That strong positive dating relationship feeling part was from this last weekends sermon. I changed it up though, instead of romantic feelings I used dating relationship feelings because romantic just sounds too adult like :)
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