Finding the ME with in

I'm sorry I haven't posted anything. I've been trying to figure out who I am, still I don't know exactly who I am.

Well, I should start off why I've been trying to find the "real me" and it seems like the perfect start but I don't know exactly why. I guess I'll just try to explain to myself while telling all of you.  For the most part, I think it started when I have that conversation almost two weeks ago, the conversation about seeing what people think about you over here but also knowing what is written over here on a board that only you see. Even before then though, I was thinking about who I am as a whole. It probably doesn't make sense but sometimes I fell like I only show parts of who I am to certain people and to others I show a different side. I don't want to be that person, and I don't know if I am. I pray that I am the person God wants me to be at this point in my life, I am sure God wants me to be someone else later but hopefully I am who I'm supposed to be.



 The last few weeks  I was asked to lead worship for Sunday school. Its a big deal because who doesn't enjoy worship? But at the same time I knew I wouldn't get nervous when standing in front of them, praising the Lord and teaching them the motions. I was mistaken... I got really nervous and I think it was for worship all together not leading it. Although leading it did make me nervous, and I have no idea why. I realized a week ago that even standing in "big" church as I so call it with the kids, that I get nervous during worship. It confused me, and still does. I LOVE worship, its the place where I forget everything going on and bring it to the Lord, its the place that I am truly me in front of everyone and not just God. Its a place where I lose myself and fill with praises for God, no matter whats going on.Its where I get to be a simple person giving my love to God, the most awe-striking, loving, forgiving one that you could ever know. Anyhow, Saturday night while singing praises onto the Lord, I was still very nervous. I probably wasn't the only one to notice either. I was fidgeting... really really bad. I couldn't keep my hands still and I felt so horrible. The reason I felt horrible is because I couldn't show a small amount of the love He has for every one of us. Finally the last song, I was able to keep still, kinda, and worship the Lord.

 The next morning, I woke up with "Might to Save" by Hillsongs United playing in my head. I believe the first time I had ever heard that song was when the kids were relearning the song over a year ago. I wanted to lead that song so much, I felt like God wanted me to. Instead of just playing that song, I asked the kids which song they wanted to do "How Great is Our God" by Chris Tomlin or "Mighty to Save" by Hillsongs United. They all chose "Mighty to Save" which just placed a smile on my heart. While leading them through the motions, I just had this over whelming feeling of peace come over me. I wasn't nervous, which helped because I didn't forget any motions like I had the weeks before and I enjoyed it. Plus they enjoyed it, I wouldn't trade that one worship time for any other moment that might be amazing because that was the moment I've needed for a while now. Just knowing God was there with us made everything better.

   Hope. This simple word means so many different things to everyone. This past weekends message was given on hope and what hope it. The pastor who gave it did such an amazing job and as I thought about this one sermon given, many past sermons came to mind that all linked together in my mind. Sermons given by many different people who teach in very different ways but yet God uses all those different ways to help each one of us. While I learned more about hope, I also learned more about people. We place hope of things to come or happen in God and with faith in God we know that they will happen. This is where another sermon comes to mind. This same pastor once said that when we pray and we don't believe that what we pray for will happen then why should God answer our prayer if we doubt Him? Hoping something might happen and then doubting it, is kinda the same thing isn't it?


With you knowing what the sermon was about, I will tell you why I found it important to me. A few weeks ago maybe a month or so I wrote how I liked this boy and how he had feelings for me as well. Since then, things have gotten out of control. For the most part all we would talk about is the future and things that were going to happen, we weren't living the now I guess. I can not be in a relationship right now, its not what I want and I don't feel like God wants me to be in a dating relationship. I was struggling with this for a few days if not longer. Saturday, I finally told this guy how I felt. I don't think it went over that well and now things are just going down hill. I know that if we were meant to be then God will make it happen but right right now all I want is friendships and my relationship with God, the one I really need to work on. So, I am going to place my hope for marriage and a family someday in God knowing that He will make it come true. Having no doubt that God has plans for me that are beyond my most perfect dream.


  So now that my posts keep getting longer and longer I might as well keep writing. I feel that I should share with you who I think I am. Its sounds weird to say it like that but that's what I mean.  I think... well here goes nothing.      
          I think I am a good teacher, writer, listener, babysitter and friend.
 I feel that I am a good teacher because the kids I teach learn something and don't really complain about how its done. Sometimes I change up the lesson plan if I think that they will learn better from a different view.
          I am a good writer because all of you keep reading. When I first started this it wasn't to leave my mark or anything like that. It was to show what God can do, to tell how God was working in my life. I didn't expect anyone to read it, I defiantly wasn't expecting people from other countries to take an interest in my life and in what God was doing in my life. That's one of the reasons I keep writing, because you care to learn about what I think about God.
I know I'm a good listener because people keep coming to me for advice, even if I think they could find someone better to ask questions. This ties in with why I think I'm a good friend. That would be because my friends come to me if they need help or if they have something they need to ask me. I am there if they need me to be, even at three in the morning if I have to be which I have a few times. Haven't we all though? Or just there when a friend needed us the most?
         There is a few reasons why I think I am a good babysitter. One, the kids first question to ask is if I can spend the night. Two, getting a hug from a little girl when I was with their mom dropping them off at school, she didn't even tell her mom bye. Three, hearing a two year old yell," Kissa is home!!!!" Four, getting a hug when I first see them. Five, waking up to them calling me. Six, getting a note from them saying, "You are the bestest best person in the whole world, I love you Riss." Seven, being asked by a four year old why God made me a babysitter. Eight, teaching them something about Jesus, then hearing their parents say how they went on and on about it. Now that I'm sitting here thinking about all the many great times I have babysat really makes me realize that I am a good babysitter. I have a hard time of letting myself say that I am good at something, even when other people say that I am, I almost always disagree with them. Its hard for me to accept that I'm good at something, and I don't even know why.

I think I'm a lot of things, too many to type right now. I want to thank you all for reading this and encouraging my writing. 

Prayer Request:
  This little girl I babysit is going through some medical stuff and they really don't know what it is. If you could pray that its nothing or just infection I would be really grateful. Thank you.

Thank you all and may you see God every where you look,
        CarissaGrace