I love watching people. To see what they do and how the acted. The sound of their voices and the way it changes. To see them laughing one minute, tears the next and then a smile again. How they treat other people and one action changes how they act towards them. I love watching people and learning who they truly are and what they want others to think.
I was once told that I was sorely over looked and that it gave me the chance to watch. At the time, I had tears in my eyes and thought that I wanted to watch because its easier than feeling the pain when they left. I now watch people because I enjoy getting to know who they truly are after I know what they want me to think they are. Now when I watch people I'm part of it but other times I'm just sitting around waiting to see what happens. Example: Tuesday, I was watching my youth minister's kids and two other little kids because their mom was in a bible study. Ky is four, Creide is three and this little girl Joss is two maybe three and then Trip who is 1 1/2. As we were playing with the blocks Trip come over and knocks it down, Creide was not very happy and said, "Hey! Don't knock down my tower, can't knock down my tower." Joss, who was standing next to me, replies," You you you can't talk to to my my brother like that." I smile and say to Creide, " Can you ask him nicely if he wont knock down your tower until you say its okay?" Creide," Please don't knock down my tower." After we built another "tower" Trip knocks it over. Creide," Don't knock down our tower until we say so!" Joss," You have to say it nicely to my brother."
Children are perfect examples of how we should be. We have to be willing to share and stand up for what we believe in no matter what we are risking. I understand in many countries you can't stand up for many things without risking everything, even your lively hood. But as I watch children be, I see who they truly are and love knowing that I am a positive influence in their life. When a four-year-old invites you to his house for dinner because he enjoys your company, you just can't say no because you know your doing something right. I further understand what Jesus meant when he said that we all must become children to enter heaven.
My boyfriend and I just recently broke up, and I realized who he was within the last week before it happened. He say he's Christian and all but with some of the things he "Likes" on facebook I would have to disagree with some of his choices but they are his and he has that right. It not just him that I've noticed saying they are something they aren't. Many people are seeming to appear like that. I'm more worried that I am seeing the speck in my neighbours eye instead of the log in mine. From what people have been telling me lately though, maybe I'm not all that bad. Yes, I have a few problems that I need to work on, but don't we all? I just don't want to be the person who is a hypo cite and doesn't know it.
My choice of living with Jesus doesn't just effect me and I really didn't realize that till this past Sunday when Georgia said something about. I am so happy for the life I'm leading and sometimes I don't realized what God does through me. A friend and I were watching three kids, and after they were asleep we started dishes. While doing dishes, we did what most people do, we started a conversation that had God in the middle of it. She told me a few things about herself that I would never have guessed, but I knew how she felt. Most people don't know this about me, but I cut for a year an a half. I started cutting in the 7th grade and ended in 8th grade, I cut my wrist once but never again. I always cut my legs and no one ever questioned them, which I find odd now because I always wore shorts. But as I shared this story, I looked at her face and knew that she most likely never would because I was an example that it was never good. Only God can build you after he breaks you down. Cutting is a form of breaking down,, but you never get built up again. How much God has blessed my life, and I truly know Christ still lives!
God has an amazing plan, and He always finds away to put you on the right path, when you feel lost. This past Sunday, I had a conversation with a friend. Never have I thought of her like that until this past Sunday. I was supposed to watch her children until Sunday afternoon but I called them home early. They got back home at 12:49AM and we were all up by 8AM. The night before though, I had a conversation with the other babysitter. I didn't realize that a six year old with a photographic memory was awake listening to what I was saying. He asked me about a few of the things I said and I kind of avoided the question as best as I could. I thought I should tell his parents before, it came up one day with out me telling them. I would have told them anyways but didn't know when to tell them. It was like God wanted me to tell them, I did. I started getting teary eyed in the middle of it but they gave me great advice. I've been struggling with my faith a little bit lately and when I talked with them Sunday, God spoke through them. The problem that was causing my faith to shake, was answered. God showed me what I had to do and told me that everything would be okay. Since I found God, I've never felt alone. Feeling like you're all alone in this crowed world is the worst feeling possible because that's when the enemy strikes.
For the past week, I've been thinking what the path of God looks like. Not just a spiritual path but as if I were hiking it what would it look like. Last Sunday, when Pastor Karl gave his message, it really opened my eyes. He said something about hiking to heaven and something just clicked for me. He also said that he wanted to help us on this path and wanted to push us forward, I think. As I thought about what he said, my image of this path came to mind. When you first find Christ, you are barefoot walking with Him on the beach. When you first put your faith in Him, He starts carrying you. When you accept Christ into your heart, you come to a hill leading to a mountain. As you take the first step in making your faith grow, Christ sets you down and holds your hand. This is where you see others walking and hiking toward Heaven. When you slip in your faith, you've slipped on the path and fell on your face, letting go of Jesus's hand. As others help you up, Jesus heals your wounds and reaches for you. Your walk becomes stronger, when you reach for him and tell Him your mistakes. When you put all your trust in Jesus, He and His father lifts you up to the next ridge. While walking, you help others up and see some sitting on the side lines, because they don't seek Jesus, who is standing next to them. During the walk, we find others to talk with and find answers to questions we prayed about. Also during the walk, we find ourselves becoming children. We laugh and don't care who hears, we stand up for what we believe in no matter what we are risking, we cry when we feel the need to not caring what others think, sharing comes and it is in everyones heart, loving accepting and forgiving everyone, and of course our passion never fades it only changes so that its for Jesus.
When I think of this spiritual journey I can't help but know every step gets me closer to the finish line and that Jesus and His Father are always with me and listening to what is in my heart.
Many blessings be to you and may you see God everywhere you look~ CarissaGrace
Thursday, September 30, 2010
Tuesday, September 21, 2010
God Speaking to Me
I've been trying to write a blog for this week for the past six days. Everything that came to mind though just didn't seem like the best thing to write. I guess I can't put it off anymore.
For most of last week I felt like God was speaking through everyone. Tuesday when I watched two boys, one four and the other three, it just seemed like God was shining through them more than normal. Some days you can never forget and it was one of those days. A few things I would like to share with you about it was that kids is where God shines through the easiest because, they know that he's real and they really don't have the world fighting against their faith. Second, you know when you're doing something right when you're watching Blue's Clues and a when Steve says something about being the best babysitter ever and a four year old smiles then looks at you. Although, the four year old asked me why Steve didn't have a girlfriend at a random point during the movie. Third, brothers are the best ones to look at when you want to see different people. After I was done watching them, we were sitting in the car and the boys were watching a movie, I looked back to look at them because they were being REALLY quiet and I saw the four year old wide-eyed and mouth open in Awe leaning forward and the three year old with a look of disgust leaning back as far as he could.Children really are the best way to go when you need a straight answer.
Wednesday, I hung out with a family that I might babysit for and then helped watch five kids for a bible study that night. When I was hanging out with the family, really just the mom and youngest child, I realized how much God means to me and how much He has changed me life. As I talked to the mother, I realized that I have changed more in the last eight months then I care to admit. With every conversation we shared God had something for me to listen to. I enjoyed my faith growing in a different but amazing way. At the bible study, the kids really opened my eyes.Everyone sharing and helping each other, but mainly it was a four year old and a six year old as they talked about girlfriends. I was standing at the door with it half way closed an I was in the hallway watching a two year old get a drink because she didn't want me helping her. As I stood there though, the boys not knowing I was listening, they talked about their girlfriends and the four year old said he gave his girlfriend away.A few other things said led me to the conclusion about their thoughts of having a "girlfriend." My heart broke when I knew what they thought, that you HAVE to have a girlfriend or your not "cool." We (the youth) are their apostles and this is what they have learned from us. I wished I could say that I am not helping them think that having a girlfriend is important but I have a boyfriend which means I'm his girlfriend. They are supposed to be learning to turn their back on the way of the world and smile on the path of God but that is not what we are teaching them, is it? Sure, their parents are but they truly look up to us and we are showing them this, I'm not saying having a girl friend is disobeying God but when a four year old thinks he NEEDS a girlfriend to be "cool" I think thats where we are following the world. Its a real eye-opener, or at least it seems that way.
Saturday, I asked my father for a ride to church and my sister asked if she could go too. He got anger with me because my sister wants to grow in her faith. When we got to church, all I wanted to do was cry and be left alone. I asked if they needed my help and they did. I was able to hold back the tears while I taught Kindergarten-Second grade but in the middle of our project I was asked if I drove to church. I smiled and said no, they asked who dropped me off. I wanted to cry again but answered. Still wanting to know more about me they ask why. I looked at them and said because my dad doesn't go to church. Asking more questions, they replied why doesn't he like church. How do you tell a bunch of kids that you fight for your faith everyday? That your life is filled with people who are against God? I really didn't have anything to say so I simple answered with," Because he doesn't love God." I changed the subject quickly by starting a game. I'm happy that they wanted to know about me but it could have been on a better night.
( I'm in TOO good of a mood to finish this right now, do it later?)
For most of last week I felt like God was speaking through everyone. Tuesday when I watched two boys, one four and the other three, it just seemed like God was shining through them more than normal. Some days you can never forget and it was one of those days. A few things I would like to share with you about it was that kids is where God shines through the easiest because, they know that he's real and they really don't have the world fighting against their faith. Second, you know when you're doing something right when you're watching Blue's Clues and a when Steve says something about being the best babysitter ever and a four year old smiles then looks at you. Although, the four year old asked me why Steve didn't have a girlfriend at a random point during the movie. Third, brothers are the best ones to look at when you want to see different people. After I was done watching them, we were sitting in the car and the boys were watching a movie, I looked back to look at them because they were being REALLY quiet and I saw the four year old wide-eyed and mouth open in Awe leaning forward and the three year old with a look of disgust leaning back as far as he could.Children really are the best way to go when you need a straight answer.
Wednesday, I hung out with a family that I might babysit for and then helped watch five kids for a bible study that night. When I was hanging out with the family, really just the mom and youngest child, I realized how much God means to me and how much He has changed me life. As I talked to the mother, I realized that I have changed more in the last eight months then I care to admit. With every conversation we shared God had something for me to listen to. I enjoyed my faith growing in a different but amazing way. At the bible study, the kids really opened my eyes.Everyone sharing and helping each other, but mainly it was a four year old and a six year old as they talked about girlfriends. I was standing at the door with it half way closed an I was in the hallway watching a two year old get a drink because she didn't want me helping her. As I stood there though, the boys not knowing I was listening, they talked about their girlfriends and the four year old said he gave his girlfriend away.A few other things said led me to the conclusion about their thoughts of having a "girlfriend." My heart broke when I knew what they thought, that you HAVE to have a girlfriend or your not "cool." We (the youth) are their apostles and this is what they have learned from us. I wished I could say that I am not helping them think that having a girlfriend is important but I have a boyfriend which means I'm his girlfriend. They are supposed to be learning to turn their back on the way of the world and smile on the path of God but that is not what we are teaching them, is it? Sure, their parents are but they truly look up to us and we are showing them this, I'm not saying having a girl friend is disobeying God but when a four year old thinks he NEEDS a girlfriend to be "cool" I think thats where we are following the world. Its a real eye-opener, or at least it seems that way.
Saturday, I asked my father for a ride to church and my sister asked if she could go too. He got anger with me because my sister wants to grow in her faith. When we got to church, all I wanted to do was cry and be left alone. I asked if they needed my help and they did. I was able to hold back the tears while I taught Kindergarten-Second grade but in the middle of our project I was asked if I drove to church. I smiled and said no, they asked who dropped me off. I wanted to cry again but answered. Still wanting to know more about me they ask why. I looked at them and said because my dad doesn't go to church. Asking more questions, they replied why doesn't he like church. How do you tell a bunch of kids that you fight for your faith everyday? That your life is filled with people who are against God? I really didn't have anything to say so I simple answered with," Because he doesn't love God." I changed the subject quickly by starting a game. I'm happy that they wanted to know about me but it could have been on a better night.
( I'm in TOO good of a mood to finish this right now, do it later?)
Friday, September 10, 2010
Trials,Prisons,Valleys and Caves
(I started this Friday August 20th, 2010)
Over the last eight months I've learned that no matter how hard you try, you can never do it alone. No matter how much you don't want people to care, they will. No matter how much you don't want to trust them, you will and no matter how much you don't want it to hurt, it will. Although to many people these seem to be bad things, really, they are great things that just happened. Everything in life has a reason on being there, it just depends on what side you come out on. You can come out on the side with Christ or you can give up and throw away everything that means anything to you.
Since I started my walk with God, I've learned to accept everything I can't change and change everything that I can, so that it glorifies God. I've only been on the path of God for a year but I've only been walk or running after God for about eight months now. Most days, I'm full out, not going to stop to breath, running after God, but in times like this I'm walking with God looking at all the blessings He has put in my life. Sometimes, its seems easier to give up on my faith but then I remember what Jesus went through just so I could be saved. I remember everything I went through and I look at the people who make my life and this walk easier and realize, I could never give up on God no matter how hard,frightening, or crazy my life is at the moment.Last night I went to youth group, and my youth minister's wife ask if it was OK to pray over me, I'm sure she would have even if it wasn't, but afterwards she told me never to give up and she would never give up on me. That right there is why I am here, that is why I believe in God, because everyone helps you through your walk, they pick you up when you fall and they even help heal your wounds.Besides that, they become your family when yours leaves you behind, hoping for something better.
(Now I'm finishing it, Friday September 10th, 2010)
Since I first started this, I have written about things going on in my life and things that may not seems so important but are. One thing that is really important to me is my faith. Lately, a lot of people are asking how my walk is going, or how I am. Yes, I am asked everyday how I am, many times in fact, but you know when you get the real, worried how are yous. It always makes me wonder if I should be putting on a smile or something, this last weekend I received two in a row. I questioned myself if I looked like I needed more sleep, or if I had said something to anyone about my week being not so great. Not a single thing came to mind, not one. The person who asked me the second time though said she heard I didn't have a great week. Sure I didn't have an awesome amazing week but I was trying to make the best of it. I thought I was doing a pretty good job until that was said. I said of course and asked if they needed help. I think the hardest part of that is knowing I tried to make the best of things and not knowing if I did.
Now onto my walk. Well since people, a lot of them, have been asking how my walk has been going I figured I would try to explain it as best as I could. Even though I think my face expressions and hand movements describe it better than words can. I know my faith is defiantly growing stronger and I am more open about my faith than ever before, but I feel like I'm dragging my feet while walking. I used to be the one running after him now I'm just not able to even jog after him. When I was running with Him I know that I was in a different situation than I am now. And my life may have seemed easier and had less confusion, plus I didn't feel completely alone but I should always be able to run after God. Shouldn't I? Even if my life has changed in a way that I could never have imaged it to. I think I should but I just can't run after him which kinda sucks because He has made my life so much easier and just amazing. I've been trying to put what God means to me in words for eight months and I just can't. He is just too amazing for words and awesome in every way. He is God and nothing seems as worthy as that. So really, I have no idea how my walk is going. If I had to say it was anything, I would say that it is a walk that I will not sit down during, a walk I will not turn around in, and a walk I'm not going through alone.
Tonight, someone who I don't get to spend much time with took me home. It was the first time in two weeks that I really have seen her and I'm not really suppose to be with her but I needed to be, I guess. I spent the last year basically becoming their family and my family theirs, maybe. Something like that. I guess the time I spent with her wasn't all that much thinking back when I used to spent entire days with her learning that I was more like her than anyone else I knew. But it was the most time I had spent with her in two weeks and I used to basically live at their house. Fifteen minutes was maybe what it was maybe a few minutes longer but not much and in that time I learned more about how she felt about what was going on, then we ever talked about. When dropping me off she said that there was nothing my father could do. Not wanting to ruin the feeling I had but did I said that there was and she said there really wasn't. I told her that he could not allow me to go to church, youth group, he could take away my computer and maybe even my Bible. I guess what she said next was right but its not fair that she was right. She was right that even to go to youth group and church is a fight. He doesn't want me to go, but its the only thing of me I have left. I'm not allowed to leave the house, not unless my father is with me or I'm going to youth group. I babysit some kids at church on Tuesdays and he doesn't even approve of me doing that. Just because its my youth ministers kids, I could be doing worst things then improving my faith. She said that he really couldn't make me suffer more than I already am. Which is truly but false at the same time. Youth group and church mean more than then air I breath because its where God is shared, it is where lives are saved and its where no one feels alone. God can be shared anywhere, lives are saved everywhere and there are many places where no one feels alone but thats where I was told about God, thats where my life was saved and thats where even though I knew only three people, I didn't feel lonely, But really, I'm not the only one suffering. She is,(many others are as well) and I know this because our hugs are longer, she knows I'm in pain and we never say goodbye. Before I guessed we never really hugged, I mean sure we must of but I can't remember any off the top of my head of when things were different. Even before, when I hurt she just knew, and I may not be her biological child but I'm her child of the heart. Which I find funny, because I'm dating her son but yet we both call her mom and almost everyone at church thinks she's my biological mother. Before this whole thing, I always told her bye or see you later but now I'm kinda afraid that whatever I say last could really be the last thing I say to her for a while. Its only been a month since the fight with my dad but I've only seen her three times, maybe. I do miss her and her family and all the times we shared but God is working through everyone now, thats what He wants. Now that I think about it, I miss her cooking too. Maybe thats why I spent SO many hours watching her cook,so I could "learn" to cook it in times like these. Guess God has a plan for everything, always has. God is really making this into something that is going to bring glory to Him. Thats all I can hope for and that people can look back on my life and know that when I was going through prisons, caves, valleys, and trials I always made the best of it. Plus in all times I thanked God, everyday I found Him and every time I loved Him.
Blessing be to you and may you see God every where you look~CarissaGrace
Over the last eight months I've learned that no matter how hard you try, you can never do it alone. No matter how much you don't want people to care, they will. No matter how much you don't want to trust them, you will and no matter how much you don't want it to hurt, it will. Although to many people these seem to be bad things, really, they are great things that just happened. Everything in life has a reason on being there, it just depends on what side you come out on. You can come out on the side with Christ or you can give up and throw away everything that means anything to you.
Since I started my walk with God, I've learned to accept everything I can't change and change everything that I can, so that it glorifies God. I've only been on the path of God for a year but I've only been walk or running after God for about eight months now. Most days, I'm full out, not going to stop to breath, running after God, but in times like this I'm walking with God looking at all the blessings He has put in my life. Sometimes, its seems easier to give up on my faith but then I remember what Jesus went through just so I could be saved. I remember everything I went through and I look at the people who make my life and this walk easier and realize, I could never give up on God no matter how hard,frightening, or crazy my life is at the moment.Last night I went to youth group, and my youth minister's wife ask if it was OK to pray over me, I'm sure she would have even if it wasn't, but afterwards she told me never to give up and she would never give up on me. That right there is why I am here, that is why I believe in God, because everyone helps you through your walk, they pick you up when you fall and they even help heal your wounds.Besides that, they become your family when yours leaves you behind, hoping for something better.
(Now I'm finishing it, Friday September 10th, 2010)
Since I first started this, I have written about things going on in my life and things that may not seems so important but are. One thing that is really important to me is my faith. Lately, a lot of people are asking how my walk is going, or how I am. Yes, I am asked everyday how I am, many times in fact, but you know when you get the real, worried how are yous. It always makes me wonder if I should be putting on a smile or something, this last weekend I received two in a row. I questioned myself if I looked like I needed more sleep, or if I had said something to anyone about my week being not so great. Not a single thing came to mind, not one. The person who asked me the second time though said she heard I didn't have a great week. Sure I didn't have an awesome amazing week but I was trying to make the best of it. I thought I was doing a pretty good job until that was said. I said of course and asked if they needed help. I think the hardest part of that is knowing I tried to make the best of things and not knowing if I did.
Now onto my walk. Well since people, a lot of them, have been asking how my walk has been going I figured I would try to explain it as best as I could. Even though I think my face expressions and hand movements describe it better than words can. I know my faith is defiantly growing stronger and I am more open about my faith than ever before, but I feel like I'm dragging my feet while walking. I used to be the one running after him now I'm just not able to even jog after him. When I was running with Him I know that I was in a different situation than I am now. And my life may have seemed easier and had less confusion, plus I didn't feel completely alone but I should always be able to run after God. Shouldn't I? Even if my life has changed in a way that I could never have imaged it to. I think I should but I just can't run after him which kinda sucks because He has made my life so much easier and just amazing. I've been trying to put what God means to me in words for eight months and I just can't. He is just too amazing for words and awesome in every way. He is God and nothing seems as worthy as that. So really, I have no idea how my walk is going. If I had to say it was anything, I would say that it is a walk that I will not sit down during, a walk I will not turn around in, and a walk I'm not going through alone.
Tonight, someone who I don't get to spend much time with took me home. It was the first time in two weeks that I really have seen her and I'm not really suppose to be with her but I needed to be, I guess. I spent the last year basically becoming their family and my family theirs, maybe. Something like that. I guess the time I spent with her wasn't all that much thinking back when I used to spent entire days with her learning that I was more like her than anyone else I knew. But it was the most time I had spent with her in two weeks and I used to basically live at their house. Fifteen minutes was maybe what it was maybe a few minutes longer but not much and in that time I learned more about how she felt about what was going on, then we ever talked about. When dropping me off she said that there was nothing my father could do. Not wanting to ruin the feeling I had but did I said that there was and she said there really wasn't. I told her that he could not allow me to go to church, youth group, he could take away my computer and maybe even my Bible. I guess what she said next was right but its not fair that she was right. She was right that even to go to youth group and church is a fight. He doesn't want me to go, but its the only thing of me I have left. I'm not allowed to leave the house, not unless my father is with me or I'm going to youth group. I babysit some kids at church on Tuesdays and he doesn't even approve of me doing that. Just because its my youth ministers kids, I could be doing worst things then improving my faith. She said that he really couldn't make me suffer more than I already am. Which is truly but false at the same time. Youth group and church mean more than then air I breath because its where God is shared, it is where lives are saved and its where no one feels alone. God can be shared anywhere, lives are saved everywhere and there are many places where no one feels alone but thats where I was told about God, thats where my life was saved and thats where even though I knew only three people, I didn't feel lonely, But really, I'm not the only one suffering. She is,(many others are as well) and I know this because our hugs are longer, she knows I'm in pain and we never say goodbye. Before I guessed we never really hugged, I mean sure we must of but I can't remember any off the top of my head of when things were different. Even before, when I hurt she just knew, and I may not be her biological child but I'm her child of the heart. Which I find funny, because I'm dating her son but yet we both call her mom and almost everyone at church thinks she's my biological mother. Before this whole thing, I always told her bye or see you later but now I'm kinda afraid that whatever I say last could really be the last thing I say to her for a while. Its only been a month since the fight with my dad but I've only seen her three times, maybe. I do miss her and her family and all the times we shared but God is working through everyone now, thats what He wants. Now that I think about it, I miss her cooking too. Maybe thats why I spent SO many hours watching her cook,so I could "learn" to cook it in times like these. Guess God has a plan for everything, always has. God is really making this into something that is going to bring glory to Him. Thats all I can hope for and that people can look back on my life and know that when I was going through prisons, caves, valleys, and trials I always made the best of it. Plus in all times I thanked God, everyday I found Him and every time I loved Him.
Blessing be to you and may you see God every where you look~CarissaGrace
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