Life passes by way,WAY too fast. Being just a teen, I realize this more all the time and at the moment feel really old. I know, I'm not that old and don't know what old really means but so much has changed in such a small amount in time.
This time last year, I was just accepting that I needed to break it off with this boy and questioning whether or not I was ready to be baptized. Well, I was also looking for God and knowing that God can make everything better. For the first time I followed some one's advice, which was some really, really great advice. I was a totally different person and I'm glad that I have changed. I ended up getting baptized on April 24th, and I was extremely nervous.
As the months went on, I found a great mentor. Who lead me to an other great mentor, although my first real mentor, I hardly ever know what to say when I see her. I'm always worried that I wont say the right thing or that I will just say something incredible stupid, so I really don't say anything to her. Silly, I know but anyways, I changed in four months and really started following Christ. I made a really huge mistake about five months ago, that has forever changed my life. Through the last four months, I have been trying to forgive myself for it and I can gladly say that I did less than a month ago.
Through this one year, I have been very blessed to meet some amazing people, kids, and face great opportunities. Since my heartbreak from last year, I have found that all I need is Jesus but that hope for a family has been placed in God's hands. I have learned so much from teaching and from really great friends/mentors, but I still have so much more to learn.
The feeling of having to explain myself almost always comes when I have to face something I want to avoid. One of those times came tonight, I have been avoiding a boy. This boy is funny and I really, really liked him a year ago, but we had a falling out and hadn't talked for months. A completely different girl fell for this boy and I am not that same silly little girl anymore nor do I ever want to be her. Long story short, I saw him and hoped that he wasn't going to where I needed to be, but of course, did. Cowardly, I hid from him behind someone I knew and didn't realize who she was talking to. Well, it happened that who I was hiding behind was a friend/mentor and the person she was talking to was someone I was/am close to. I almost laughed because I remembered something she once told me. It was something like,Okay you know you know but when you come to me or Georgia with boy problems, we are going to tell you to pray about it. Was I praying about this boy? No not really. When I did pray about it was I praying for the right things? No I don't think so. Is this boy marriage material? No, not with what the Bible says. So why am I even bothering with these feelings? Simply because I am a young woman who isn't all that focused on God.
After they were done talking I felt like I had to explain why I was trying to hide. Of course, it turned into a great conversation, but my feelings for him became more confusing. I know, I know I wont ever marry this boy nor will we ever be really good friends but I still want to talk to him and hang out with him.
Its funny how much time I am not using for God. Even just hanging out, I can bring up God but there are some people I am fearful about talking about it. That boy is one of those people and its not good.
Here I am going on and on about nothing and most of it is about a boy. What is this CRAZINESS!?!?! I must say that I am struggling with a few things and I really don't want to talk about them, with anyone. I am doing a bible study with a friend, and it starts tomorrow. Being nervous about it isn't what I thought I would feel about it but it is about relationships. The one thing that has been on my struggling list the past two weeks and now I get to see who else has this problem. Hoping and praying it all goes well.
Choices. We all have to face them each and everyday and I don't like making a decision on choices I'm given. You can ask just about anyone that knows me, and when I do make a decision I am not always the happiest about it. I prefer someone else to make the decision because that way I know what they want, and know that they are happy about it. Well, a few choices have been throw at my life and I am not really looking forward to making those decisions. One being that I have to choose to go to Texas or not and I am almost voting for not. The second but maybe biggest choice I have is to either go on a mission trip for a few days during summer or teaching at a camp for kids. I really want to do both but I am going to avoid making that choice until the very last second.
Hope all is well for everyone of you, thanks for reading.
Lots of love,
CarissaGrace
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