Hello Again :)

I know, I know. I keep doing this to you. And sorry really isn't gonna solve anything, but a blog post will. Won't it?

Life has gotten pretty crazy the last month an half. Between school and home, I'm not really finding a release. I actually exploded in English 11 and felt pretty awful for it. Not for my feeling but because I brought home life to school. I deal with it enough as it is with out talking about it at school.

I've been grounded for six months and I really don't mind. I mean no T.V., computer, phone, and the only places I can go is to school and home thats not so bad. If, I had no life and didn't want one that would be fine. BLAH!!!! I hate being grounded, but I do get to sit in silence all the time. Which God has called us to do sometimes.

I'm actually pretty anger at God. Mainly because I haven't been meeting with Him. I've been looking at my life for the last couple of weeks and noticed I've never done anything bad really. I mean like in the eyes of the law. I've been in the mood to do something reckless and stupid but haven't. I'm just not feeling it.  But I'm ready to break and do something stupid.

This week has kinda been a difficult. One of my friends who is 16/17 had her baby this week. She was WAY early and the baby only lived for two hours. I saw her this morning and my heart broke. The second I saw her I said I was so sorry. You could tell her hurt and pain that she didn't want to share. We talked for about five minutes and I wanted to cry. She hasn't been eating or sleeping, which is not cool. 

My other friend found out she was pregnant the same day. Only sixteen that one. I'm not saying that they shouldn't have the baby because I've always been pro-life. But how in the world are they pregnant so young? I look at myself and I could probably raise a child this young, but I wouldn't be ready to. In a way I'm so selfish that I don't want a kid right now. All I could offer it is nothing but hurt and pain and I don't want to place that on a child.

My mom had me at 15 and I saw how she felt. She loved me (may still love me) but she never got to be a kid. Growing up, I hated how my mom acted like a teenager, she even wore my cloths when I was 11. I didn't think that was right and couldn't stand how she tired to be my best-friend instead of a mom. She wanted to be a teen and couldn't so after a few years, so lost it and tried to reverse time and live the teenage dream she never got to. I haven't seen her in three years because of it and I don't want to end up like that.

I've been writing everyday, thanks to S.Campbell (English 11 teacher). I've been enjoying it more and more even when I don't want to. Right now I'm writing a novel. Its kinda big step but I'm ready for it. I know how I want it to be but at the same time its REALLY challenging because I have to focus on details and dialogue which has never but my strong suits. The main characters are Daniel and Cari who are complete strangers, that both believe in God. They are test on their faith as they go through the abyss in their lives.Together.

Well got to go. I will try and post when ever I can. Love you guys :)

PS- Please be praying for me and this crazy life I live. My friends who are pregnant and my friend who lost her baby. Please be praying,

CG :)